DateableHow to answer "What are you looking for?" early in a chat
Answer what kind of connection you want, how often to meet, and what matters to you. Ask the same back so it's a conversation, not a test.
Answer in one or two honest sentences. Say the kind of connection you want, how often you would like to meet, and what matters to you. Then ask the same back. That is the whole thing: a straightforward trade, not a test.
Why the question matters
"What are you looking for?" cuts through everything else. It is one of the first real questions people ask each other on Dateable, and how you answer it tells the other person whether the two of you are after the same thing.
The other person is not asking to frustrate you. They are asking because Dateable exists so people can be clear about what they want. If you dodge the question or give a vague answer, you waste both of your time. If you come back with a list of demands, the conversation stops.
What a good answer sounds like
A good answer is honest and short. It covers three things:
- The kind of connection. Are you looking for something that could become serious, or are you after a regular arrangement with no strings? Are you open to both, or is there only one thing you will say yes to? Say it plain.
- How often. Do you want to meet once a week, once a month, a few times a year? Be real about what your life and your schedule can hold. Do not say you want to meet every week if you can only manage twice a month.
- What matters to you. What do you need from the other person for it to feel right? Reliability, intelligence, a sense of humour, kindness, ambition? Pick the things that are actually non-negotiable. One or two things. Not a list of ten.
Here is how that sounds:
I'm looking for something regular, not serious. I can do once a week, and I need someone I can trust and talk to. What about you?
Or:
I want something that could turn into a real relationship. I'm not looking to rush it, but I need to see it going somewhere. I want someone curious and ambitious. What kind of thing are you after?
Why numbers come later
Do not say how much money you have or how much money you want at this point. If you are a generous member and you tell them your income, it reads like a purchase offer. If you are an attractive member and you ask for an amount, it sets a price tag on your time before the two of you have even met.
The money part belongs in a conversation that comes after. Right now you are finding out whether you actually like each other. The amount matters far less than whether they are trustworthy, and you cannot tell that from a number. Nor can they.
Make it a trade, not a test
After you answer, ask the same question back. "What about you?" or "What are you looking for?" Word it so they have to give you an actual answer.
Do not answer the question and then say nothing. If you state your expectations and wait, you have made it a test they have to pass.
When you ask back, you are saying "I want to know what you want too." You are inviting them into a conversation. Someone worth meeting will respect that. Someone who gets annoyed that you have expectations of your own has told you something useful about them.
What to avoid
- "Let's see where it goes." This is only honest if you truly mean it. If you actually want something serious or you need the money to be structured a certain way, say so. "Let's see where it goes" sounds open-minded but it is a non-answer, and it leaves them guessing what you want.
- A complaint about other people on the site. "Everyone on Dateable is just looking for free dinners" or "Nobody here is genuine" reads as a warning sign about you. It sounds bitter.
- A hedge like "kind of serious but also flexible" or "mostly for companionship but maybe something more". They are hard to respond to. Pick one.
- A very long answer. Two sentences is plenty. Anything longer reads like a contract and it kills the conversation.
Listen to what they say back
When they answer, read what they actually wrote. Do they line up with what you want? If you want something serious and they want something casual, that is a mismatch and both of you should know it now.
Do not try to convince someone that your way is better or that you can change their mind over time. If they say they are not looking for exclusivity and you need exclusivity, there is no amount of charm or money that fixes that. The conversation ends here, and that is okay.
If they do match up, you have answered the question that matters most. You can talk about money next, or you can plan a first meeting, or you can trade a few more messages and get to know them better. You are no longer guessing.
Set yourself up from the start
Your profile is where this conversation starts. If you write your profile properly, the broad strokes of what you want are already clear. When someone asks the question, you are only filling in the details. That makes it shorter and easier.
Once you have met, the fuller conversation is in talking about expectations, and the expectations posts cover specific parts of it, such as how often you meet.
