DateableHow to write a first message that gets a reply
Mention one detail from their profile, say one thing about yourself, and ask one easy question. Three sentences is enough for a first message.
A first message that gets a reply does three things: it shows you read the profile, it says one true thing about you, and it asks one question that is easy to answer. Three sentences is enough. Anything longer reads as a cover letter, and anything shorter reads as a message sent to fifty people.
Why most first messages fail
Most first messages fail because they give the other person nothing to answer. "Hey" asks them to start the conversation for you. "You're gorgeous" tells them something they have heard that morning already. A paragraph about your career asks them to be impressed, which is work.
The person reading your message is deciding one thing: is replying to this going to be easy and pleasant? Your message only has to make the answer yes.
The three-sentence message
- One detail from their profile. Pick something they chose to write, not something about how they look. A place they travelled, a book, the way they described their ideal Sunday.
- One thing about you that connects to it. One sentence. It shows there is a person on your side of the screen.
- One easy question. Open enough to say more than yes or no, small enough to answer in a line.
Here is how that reads when someone's profile mentions learning to sail:
You mentioned learning to sail this year. I crewed on a friend's boat out of Fremantle for two summers and mostly learned how to get hit by the boom. What made you start?
It took twenty seconds to write. It could only have been sent to one person. It is easy to answer.
Say what you want early, but not first
Dateable exists so people can be clear about expectations. That does not mean your opening line is a list of terms. Opening with terms skips the part where the two of you find out whether you like each other, and the terms do not matter if you do not.
A good rhythm is to open with the three sentences, trade a few messages, and raise expectations once the conversation is moving. Your profile carries the broad strokes in the meantime, which is one reason to write your profile properly. When you are ready, say it plainly:
I'm enjoying this. Before we plan anything, can I tell you what I'm looking for and hear the same from you?
Nobody worth meeting is put off by that question. Someone who dodges it has told you something useful.
If you are the generous member
Leave your income, your car and your title out of the first message. Your profile holds those facts for anyone who wants them. In a message they read as a purchase offer, and the members you most want to meet are the ones who get plenty of those.
What stands out instead is attention and reliability. Refer to what they wrote. Reply when you say you will. If you suggest a date, suggest a real one: a place, a day, a time.
If you are the attractive member
You will often receive more messages than you send, which makes a message from you unusual. Use that. A short, specific opener from you gets answered far more often than you might expect, and it lets you choose who you talk to instead of sorting through whoever wrote first.
Keep money out of the first message. A request for money before you have met is the pattern scammers follow, so careful members treat it as a warning sign whoever it comes from. Expectations belong in the conversation that follows.
Lines to retire
- "Hey", "Hi beautiful", "How are you?": nothing to answer.
- A comment on their body: it tells them you looked at the photos and stopped.
- A message you have pasted to other people: it shows, every time.
- A complaint about dating sites, or about the people on them.
- Your phone number. Offer it when they ask, or after you have met.
- An apology for writing. You are allowed to be here.
When the profile gives you nothing
Some profiles are two photos and a line. You can still be specific. Ask about something in the background of a photo, or about the one line they did write. If there is truly nothing, offer a choice, which is the easiest kind of question to answer:
Your profile is a mystery, so I'll start with the important question. Long lunch that turns into dinner, or a quick coffee and a walk?
What to do after you send it
Send it once and leave it. People read messages between meetings, on trains, and at eleven at night when they are too tired to reply well. A day or two of silence means nothing.
After four or five days, one light follow-up is fine. Add something new to it and do not mention the silence. After that, let it go. No reply is an answer, and a polite one: it costs you nothing and asks nothing of you.
