DateableHow to reply to a first message that just says "hey"
Reply to the person, not the message. Look at their profile and ask about one detail, say one thing about you, then hand them an easy question.
A "hey" is not the start of a conversation: it is a message that asks you to start one. The person who sent it is worth a real reply if you like their profile. Look at what they wrote, say one true thing about yourself, and ask them one question they can answer in a line.
Why people send "hey"
People send "hey" for different reasons. They might be nervous about saying the wrong thing, testing whether you will reply at all, or scrolling fast and hoping volume works. The reason matters less than the profile behind the message. If the profile interests you, the "hey" is just a low-effort opening. You can do better and still be kind.
Reply to the profile, not the greeting
The mistake most people make is answering the "hey" directly. They say "Hi, how are you?" or "Hello there!" They have now traded two low-effort messages and gone nowhere. Instead, skip the "hey" entirely and talk to the person who sent it.
Read their profile the same way you would read anyone else's. Find one thing they chose to write: a place they mention, a hobby, something about what they are looking for. Treat that "hey" as permission to start a real conversation, not as the conversation itself.
This is the difference between being one of fifty people who got a message and being one person who interested someone enough to reply. When you reply this way, you are answering the real message: "I think you might be interesting. Can we talk?"
The three-part reply
- One detail from their profile. Mention the thing you noticed. Show you read past the photos.
- One line about you that connects to it. Not your job, your income or how you look. Something that shows there is a person on your side.
- One easy question. Something they can answer in one or two sentences, and something only they can answer.
If their profile mentions they like travel, your reply might be:
I saw you've been to Vietnam and Japan. I've always wanted to visit Japan but I'm terrible with languages. What was your best meal there?
That took thirty seconds. It could only have been sent to one person. It is easy to answer.
When their profile is empty
Some profiles are two photos and nothing else. If you like the photos and they sent you a message, they are at least putting in a little effort. A one-line reply plus a choice question is fair.
You haven't told me much about yourself yet, so here's my question: do you prefer staying in or going out for dates?
If they reply with "hey" again, or a one-word answer, you have learned something. They are not ready to have a conversation. You can let it go without wondering whether you did something wrong.
What comes after the reply
Send your reply once and wait. Do not send a second message the next day asking if they saw it. People see messages between other things, and silence for a day or two means nothing.
If they reply with more than one word, the conversation is real. Trade a few messages about the thing you asked them about. You are learning whether you like talking to this person, and they are learning the same about you. Once you are both comfortable, that is when to bring up what you each are looking for. You can read how to do that here. Your profile should already carry the broad strokes while you are trading messages.
If they reply with one word or with "hey" again, the test is over. They are not ready to have a conversation with you, or they are not interested enough to try. That is not a rejection: you sent a real message to someone who sent you a lazy one, and you learned something useful without wasting weeks.
Read their profile first
A "hey" tells you nothing about who sent it. The only way to know whether replying is worth your time is to read who they say they are. If you like what you see, write a real reply. If you do not, a "hey" is an easy out: you do not have to answer.
Why this matters
When you reply to a "hey" with effort, you are telling the other person that you chose them, not that you will reply to anyone who writes to you. That changes the dynamic. They sent a lazy message because they were not sure you were interested. A real reply tells them you are interested in them, specifically. The next message almost always gets better.
This matters because dating works best when both people are choosing. A "hey" is a low-commitment probe, and a low-effort reply keeps it that way. But when you write something real, you are asking them to be real too. Some people will, and some will not. The ones who do are the ones worth talking to.
If they are worth meeting, they are worth four sentences. If they are not, the "hey" has saved you both time. Read the full guide on first messages for more on what actually works when you are starting a conversation from scratch.
