DateableWords to stop, even after you have started
You can withdraw consent at any time, even after sexual activity has started. You owe no reason: stop, say you want to stop, or say you've changed your mind.
You can stop at any time, even after you have started. You owe no explanation, no apology, and no reason. [Consent is an ongoing process 1, and you can withdraw it at any moment.
What withdrawal of consent means
[You can withdraw consent at any time, even after sexual activity has started; consent is needed every time, including in a relationship 2]. This is not a change of heart or a sudden doubt. It is your right, and it is protected by law.
Withdrawal means the other person must stop immediately. There is no negotiation. There is no "just a bit more". You have said no, and that is the end of it.
You might realise the other person is not listening to you. You might feel uncomfortable. You might have felt fine a minute ago and now you do not. You might simply change your mind for no reason at all. Any of those reasons is enough. None of them require you to explain yourself, justify your choice, or ask permission to stop.
Words you can use
Be direct. The words do not need to be perfect, and you do not need to soften them with apologies. Any of these work:
Stop. I want to stop here. I've changed my mind. Not right now. I'm not ready. That doesn't feel right. No. I need you to stop.
You can say it once or repeat it. You can be calm or you can raise your voice. What matters is that you are clear and you are heard. The other person does not need your reasoning, your apology or your permission to leave.
You are not being unkind to the other person by stopping. You are not ruining the moment or being a burden. You are being honest about your boundaries, and that is what respect looks like.
If they do not stop
Stop what you are doing. Move away physically. Get to somewhere safe. If you are alone with them and feel unsafe, you can leave the room, the building or the date. You do not need permission. You do not need to stay polite. You do not need to soften your exit with an explanation.
Say it again if they do not hear you the first time. Louder if you need to. Physically remove their hands or yourself from the situation. You have the right to do whatever it takes to make them stop.
If the other person ignores your stop, keeps going, minimises what you said, or pressures you to continue, this is sexual assault. It is not your fault. [Sexual assault is never the fault of the person assaulted, whatever they wore, where they were or what they drank 2]. No previous agreement, no money spent, no time invested changes this fact.
Get somewhere safe. Tell someone you trust what happened. That person can help you work out what comes next and support you through it.
Where to get support
[1800RESPECT is Australia's national domestic, family and sexual violence counselling, information and support service 3]. Call 1800 737 732, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You can also text 0458 737 732 or use their online chat.
[After an assault you can go somewhere safe, tell someone you trust, and get medical help from a hospital, clinic or sexual assault service 2].
What happens next
After you have said stop and they have stopped, you get to decide what comes next. You can end the date. You can ask them to leave. You can block them on Dateable and everywhere else. You do not owe them a chance to explain or apologise.
If they do not stop, you have the right to report them. [Use Dateable's report and block from any profile, message or listing [@sugar-dating-safety/]]. You can also contact the police. You can also tell your friends and warn them.
Consent does not require politeness
If you say stop and the other person is upset, disappointed or angry, that is their emotion to manage. Their feelings are not your responsibility. You have the right to change your mind, to protect yourself, even mid-kiss, even mid-date. Guilt and politeness are not reasons to keep going.
If you are with someone who respects you, they will stop immediately without argument. They will ask if you are okay. They will understand. Someone who does not stop, who questions you, or who tries to persuade you to continue has told you something important about who they are. Do not ignore that.
A person who respects your boundaries will:
- Stop immediately when you say stop, without asking why or negotiating
- Not pressure you to explain your reason or justify your choice
- Check that you are okay and ask what you need
- Not bring it up again to convince you to change your mind
- Treat you with the same respect afterwards
- Not tell others that you changed your mind or make you the butt of a joke
Start the conversation early
[You can set clear boundaries before you meet someone [@guides/set-boundaries/]]. Tell them what you need to feel safe and respected. Be specific about what you do and do not want to do. The right person will listen and respect your answers.
If something goes wrong during a date, you have options and support available. [Learn what to do if something goes wrong [@guides/if-something-goes-wrong/]], including how to exit a situation safely and who to call for help.
Sources
- NSW Communities and Justice (2022). Affirmative consent becomes law in NSW.
- Healthdirect Australia (2023). Sexual assault and rape.
- 1800RESPECT (2026). 1800RESPECT.
