DateableHow to agree how affectionate you are in public
Say before you arrive what you are comfortable with in public: holding hands, a kiss, or nothing. Agree it once so neither of you guesses at the door.
Say before you arrive what you are comfortable with in public: holding hands, a kiss, nothing at all. Agree it once so neither of you is guessing at the door, and have a simple signal if one of you needs to change your mind in the moment.
Why this matters
You might want affection but not photos. Your date might want a kiss hello but not holding hands near their workplace. Discretion is often the reason, and it is a fair one. Without the conversation, one of you tries to read the other's body language while the two of you are both nervous, and someone ends up uncomfortable or rejected.
The conversation before you meet
Have it once, before the date. Not weeks before: the night before, or a few hours before. Say what you are comfortable with and ask what they are comfortable with. It does not have to be long.
Before we meet, can I say what I'm comfortable with in public? I'm happy to hold hands and kiss hello, but I'd rather not be photographed. What about you?
If your date asks why, tell them. Discretion is not a rejection. Someone who dines near their office, or who keeps their dating life private, has good reason to keep affection for later.
Different comfort levels
- No public affection: you greet each other, spend the date together, part ways. Neither of you touches the other in public.
- One gesture: you might hold hands but not kiss, or kiss hello and goodbye but not hold hands during the date.
- What happens in private stays private: you are both comfortable with affection when the two of you are alone, but not in public.
- Natural affection as you go: you both agree to be affectionate as the date unfolds, within reason.
All of these are okay. The person you are meeting does not get to judge your comfort level. Neither do you get to judge theirs.
Have a signal
Even when you have agreed, one of you might change your mind in the moment. It happens. You might feel watched. Your date might realise someone they know is at the restaurant. Either of you might just need space.
Pick a simple signal before you meet: a word or a gesture that means 'not here'. It is not a rejection. It is a pause. When you hear or see it, you both respect it without a conversation:
If either of us needs a moment, we can say 'rain check' and we both know it's just for today.
The signal works because it says yes to the overall idea of affection, and no to right now. It costs you nothing to hear it, and it asks nothing of your date to use it.
If you see someone you know
Decide this in the same conversation: if one of you spots a colleague or a relative, what happens? The simplest plan is that the person who knows them does the talking, and the other follows their lead. No hand-holding until you are clear of them, and no explanation offered unless they ask.
If I see someone from work, I'll say hi and introduce you by first name. Just follow my lead and we'll carry on after.
Agree how you will be introduced, too. A first name and nothing else is enough for a chance meeting. Nobody at a restaurant needs your surname, how you met, or what the two of you are to each other.
When the setting changes
Revisit the agreement when you are in a new kind of place. You might be comfortable holding hands at a quiet cafe, but when your date suggests a dinner at a restaurant where you will be around people, or an event where their friends will be, the stakes feel different.
It does not mean you need a full new conversation. A few seconds before you arrive is enough: 'Like we said before, I'm happy to hold hands but I'd rather keep it quiet here.' Their answer tells you whether the agreement still stands.
If you are the generous member
A dinner you paid for does not change what your date agreed to in public. Ask the question the same way you would with anyone, and accept the answer the same way.
When someone ignores the agreement
Someone who uses the signal without fuss, and does not push for more affection than you said you wanted, respects you. Someone who sulks, touches you anyway, or says 'I thought you liked me' has shown you how they treat a boundary. Say it once, plainly:
We agreed to keep it low-key here. Please stick to that.
If it happens again, end the date early. You do not owe anyone affection in public, or anywhere else.
