Blog / Boundaries and consent

Phrases to check your date is comfortable, with examples

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Ask short, clear questions before you touch, when things change, or when they go quiet. Consent needs words or clear conduct.

4 minute readUpdated 2026-09-30

Ask one short question about one thing, right now: "Can I kiss you?" A question that small lets your date say no without effort or explanation, and you ask again whenever things change or they go quiet.

Why asking matters

In Queensland, consent must be asked for and communicated back in words or clear conduct. ¹ Consent is also ongoing: it can be withdrawn at any time and is needed each time the activity changes. ²

You cannot assume someone consents because they have not said no; if you are unsure, you must check. ¹ A plain question takes three seconds. Anything longer puts pressure on them to respond well, and makes it harder to simply say no.

Questions that work before you touch

Before you reach for their hand, kiss them, or touch them anywhere, ask. The question should be specific, warm, and quick. It should let them say yes or no without making a speech.

• "Can I hold your hand?"
• "Is it okay if I put my arm around you?"
• "Can I kiss you?"
• "Would you like me to touch you here?"

The warmth in your voice matters. "Can I kiss you?" said with a smile and a pause says you want to and you care about their answer. A flat tone sounds like a form.

I'd really like to kiss you. Is that okay?

Then listen to what they actually say: a yes, a no, or a pause. A pause is not a yes.

When things change, ask again

If you move from one activity to another, ask again. When the activity changes, you need consent for the new activity. ¹ Consent to kissing is not consent to more, and consent last time is not consent this time. ²

• You move from kissing to touching. Ask: "Can I touch you?"
• You want to go somewhere private. Ask: "Are you comfortable going to...?"
• You want to take off more clothes. Ask: "Is this okay?"
• The date is going well and you want to meet again. Ask: "Would you like to do this again?" or "Are you interested in continuing to see each other?"

You might be reading their body language correctly. A question removes the guesswork for both of you.

When they go quiet

Silence does not mean yes. If your date stops talking, looks uncomfortable, or seems to be pulling back, check in. Do not wait for them to tell you something is wrong. Ask now.

• "You've gone quiet. Are you okay?"
• "I want to make sure this is good for you. How are you feeling?"
• "Tell me if you want to stop or change anything."
• "Are you still comfortable?"

These questions give them a chance to tell you the truth. Some people go quiet because they are uncomfortable but do not know how to say it. Some go quiet because they are thinking. Ask, and listen to the answer.

Listen to what they actually say

Yes means yes. A hesitation is not a yes. An unclear answer is not a yes. Silence is not a yes.

• "Yeah, okay" is not the same as "Yes, I want to."
• "I guess" is not the same as "I would love to."
• "Maybe" means no for now.
• "I don't know" means no for now.
• No answer at all means no for now.

If someone gives you a qualified yes or seems to be going along with it, they might be saying yes to you but no to themselves. If they say no or anything other than a clear yes, the answer is no. Stop, and do not negotiate or ask why. Talking about boundaries before a date makes these moments easier for both of you. You are allowed to feel disappointed. You are not allowed to make them feel bad for saying no.

For generous members

If you are the generous member, keep one thing clear in your own head: a dinner, a gift or a trip never buys a yes. Your date does not owe you anything, even if you paid for the meal or the drinks. ³

Say it out loud if you sense they feel obliged. It takes the weight off the question that follows:

Tonight was my treat because I wanted to. It doesn't come with any expectations.

Consent keeps going

Saying yes once does not mean yes forever. The person can change their mind at any time, between dates or even in the middle of a date. ² If someone says no or stops or changes the subject or does not lean in, the answer is no. Do not ask why. Do not tell them they were into it a moment ago. Accept it and move on.

Asking early sets the pattern for every date after. More on the first one in first dates.

Sources

1. Queensland Government (2024). Consent laws in Queensland.
2. Devon Sexual Health (NHS) (2026). Consent.
3. Sexual Assault Resource Centre, North Metropolitan Health Service (Government of Western Australia) (2021). Safe online dating.