DateableHow to decide your standards before you start matching
Write three to five standards down before the first message arrives, so attention and flattery do not decide for you.
Write three to five standards down before the first message arrives, so attention does not decide for you. Split them into a baseline every match must meet, the things that matter to you personally, and the behaviour that ends a conversation on the spot.
Why write it before the messages start
Messages can arrive quickly once your profile is up, and some of them are good: specific, funny, warm. Attention feels lovely, and it is hard to judge someone while you are enjoying being noticed. You say yes to a date before you have checked whether they suit you, and a week in you notice something you could have known at hello.
A list written on a quiet evening, before anyone has flattered you, is harder to argue with than a feeling in the moment.
The non-negotiable baseline
Every person you meet should clear the same floor. Write these four at the top of your list:
- They are verified. On Dateable that means a reviewer compared a live selfie with their profile photos. It shows they match their photos; it does not check their name, age or income.
- They meet in public. A café, a restaurant, a gallery. Not their place, not yours, not a hotel room.
- They never ask you for money. Not as a loan, not "just this once", not for a fee or a gift card. A request for money before you meet is how scams work.
- They respect your no. They hear it the first time. They do not push, bargain or come back to it.
Someone who fails any one of these is not a match, however good the messages are. Everything else on your list is a conversation.
Your personal standards
Beyond the baseline, write down what matters to you. Not what you think should matter, or what anyone else values. What actually matters when you are deciding whether to spend your time on a person.
Think about the best and worst people you have dated. What made the difference? Did they reply the same day? Were they free when you wanted to see them? Did their life seem settled, or were you doing the emotional work for both of you? Were they kind when things went wrong, or did they disappear?
Your personal standards might include:
- Reliability. They say what they mean and do what they say. If they suggest a date, they follow through. If they say they will text you Tuesday, they text Tuesday, not Thursday. Reliability is boring until you need it.
- Availability. How often do you need to see someone to feel like you are actually dating them? Weekly? More? Are you okay with months between meets, or does that make you feel low priority? Be honest.
- Life fit. Do they live somewhere that makes sense for what you want? Are they in the same headspace about where they are in life? If they are building something or going through something major, does that add to your life or take from it?
- How they handle things. When something goes wrong, do they take it on the chin or do they blame you? Can they laugh at themselves? Do they apologise when they are wrong?
Pick one to three that have mattered to you. Not ten. Not "they should be ambitious" because that is vague and everyone is ambitious about something. If you need reliability, write that. If you need someone who can get time off work, write that. If you need someone who makes you feel chosen, write that.
What ends it
Before you match with anyone, decide what kills the deal on the spot. These are not dealbreakers in a broad sense. These are specific things that tell you to stop, block if needed, and not waste another second.
A few that come up often:
- Their messages contradict their profile.
- They are rude to you, or about other people, when something does not go their way.
- They lead with money, gifts or how much they earn in the first few messages.
- They push for private photos or a private meeting place.
- They want you to keep them secret from everyone in your life, including the friend who knows where you are.
Notice that these are not about type, or chemistry, or whether you find them attractive. These are about behaviour. Write down the behaviours that tell you someone does not respect you, even if the flattery is good and the timing is perfect.
When you match, use your list
When a message comes in and it is good, read your list before you reply. This takes thirty seconds. Ask yourself three questions: do they clear the baseline, is there anything here that meets or misses your personal standards, and are they showing any of the signs that end it?
If they miss the baseline, do not reply. If they miss a personal standard, ask about it. If a sign that ends it lights up, stop.
If all three are fine, reply. Have the conversation. See where it goes. But you are no longer choosing from a place of "someone wrote me something nice". You are choosing from a place of "this person is someone I actually want to know."
When a personal standard is unclear, ask about it plainly:
I'm enjoying this, but I should tell you I'm looking for someone I can see regularly and who replies within a day. Does that work for you?
Once your list exists, turn the baseline into boundaries you say out loud, and use your personal standards when you talk about expectations. Keep the list where you will see it, and reread it after any date that left you uneasy. The guide for attractive members covers what to put in your profile so the right people find you in the first place.
