DateableFollow-up messages to send when someone has not replied
Send one follow-up after four or five days. Add something new, never mention the silence, and if they still do not reply, treat it as a polite no.
A follow-up message works when it adds something new and never mentions the silence. Send one after four or five days, and if they still do not reply, treat their silence as a polite no.
Why people do not reply to your first message
No reply is not always a no. A message can sit in their inbox while they are busy, talking to someone else, or taking a break from dating. They might even like it and forget to reply at the right moment. A first message is just a first message: it competes with their work, their friends, and the other people they are talking to.
That is why one follow-up makes sense. It is your chance to catch them when the timing is better.
The four or five day rule
Wait at least four days before you send a follow-up. Someone might take two days to open their inbox, another day to read messages, and another to think about replying. Anything sooner looks impatient. After four or five days, a light follow-up is fair and expected.
After that follow-up, silence is an answer. Do not send a second one.
What a good follow-up says
A good follow-up adds something new. It does not mention the silence or apologise for reaching out. It stays short. It gives them an easy way to answer.
If your first message asked about one thing from their profile, your follow-up can pick up a different thread. If you asked a big question, you can ask something smaller or offer them a choice. Say your first message asked about their move to a new city. The follow-up picks up something else they wrote:
Your profile says you're a terrible cook but a great critic. Mine is the reverse. What's the best thing you've eaten this month?
It is specific, it is new, and it takes one line to answer.
Lines that work
- "I saw you also love hiking. Have you got a favourite trail in Western Australia?" - Specific, easy to answer.
- "You wrote that you'd rather hike than brunch. Sunrise or sunset walker?" - Picks up their own words.
- "If you had to choose between a long dinner or a quick coffee, which way?" - A choice is the easiest question.
- "I'm planning a trip to Japan in March. You mentioned you've been. Any suggestions for where to go?" - Adds new information and gives them something real to answer.
Lines that backfire
- "Did you get my message?" - They did. Asking makes you sound anxious.
- "You probably get a thousand messages." - That is not your problem to solve.
- "I know you're busy." - It points at the silence and hands them an excuse.
- "I'll try one more time." - This is your follow-up. Do not announce it.
- "I know your inbox is probably full." - Do not apologise for reaching out. You are allowed to be here.
- A complaint about dating sites or the people on them - If you end with "ugh, this app is full of flakes", you have just called them a flake.
If you are the generous member
Leave your income, your title and your offer out of the follow-up, as you did in the first message. Ask about what they wrote, not what you can give them.
I saw you've been to Bali. I'm thinking of a trip to Seminyak in March. Have you got tips on where to go or what to see?
It asks for their knowledge, not their time. The guide for generous members covers what else makes a generous member worth replying to.
If you are the attractive member
Your follow-up has the same rules as everyone else's. It adds something new, it stays short, and it gives them an easy answer. Keep money and expectations out of it. Those come later, once you are talking.
You mentioned that you work in architecture. I'm restoring an old place and I have no idea what I'm doing. Where do you start when you're looking at a building?
That is genuine interest, and it has nothing to do with terms or what you offer. You are choosing whether to keep talking to them, just as they are choosing whether to keep talking to you.
One follow-up and stop
If they still do not reply, they have answered. Silence is a polite no, and it is final. Some people are talking to someone else, some are taking a break, some did not feel a spark. None of it is yours to fix, and a third message only makes a no more awkward.
Put the effort into a new first message to someone else instead. If they reply later, answer as if no time passed: no "finally", no questions about the gap. More openers are in first messages.
