DateableDate ideas for long-distance arrangements between visits
Date between visits on a schedule: cook the same meal, watch a film together at the same time, read the same book, or plan your next visit. Keep video dates private.
Between visits, date on a schedule. Pick a set evening each week, plan a shared activity beforehand, and know when you will see each other again. A routine matters more in a long-distance arrangement than it does when you live near each other, because uncertainty is the enemy: knowing that Tuesday night is yours keeps the relationship alive through the quiet days.
Why a schedule works
When you live apart, text and phone calls can feel obligatory or directionless. A scheduled date gives you something to build toward. You are not checking in: you are going out together, even if one of you is three time zones away. A schedule also tells both of you that this matters. It is a commitment to show up the same way you would if you were meeting in person.
The date itself should be an activity, not just a video call. Video calls where you sit in silence or do other things are companionable, but they are not dates. A date has a shape and an end.
Cook the same meal
Pick a dish neither of you has cooked before, or one you both like. Buy the ingredients, start at the same time, and walk through it together. Show each other what you are doing. Talk about the flavours as you taste. Then sit down and eat together on video.
This works because cooking is slow enough to fill time and active enough to keep you talking. You are making something together. At the end, you both have a meal you made, and you associate the food with the person across the screen. Next time you eat it, you think of them.
I was thinking of trying that pasta you like. Want to both make it for dinner on Saturday and eat it together?
Watch the same film at the same moment
Pick a film you can both access. Agree on a time. Hit play at the same moment and watch in sync. Pause to talk about it, or wait until the end. The rhythm matters: you are both seeing the same scenes at the same time, and the film gives you something to react to together.
A film is a date because it fills two hours and gives you both something to focus on that is not each other. It is harder to run out of things to say about a film than about your day. Most importantly, you can make plans to do it again.
- Use a service you both have: a streaming app, a rented film, or a library.
- Set a time and calendar it the same way you would a real date.
- If one of you falls asleep or has to leave, reschedule. Do not watch without them.
Read the same book
Read the same book at the same pace. Agree to finish a chapter by Friday, meet on Saturday and talk about it. The book becomes something you are doing together across the distance.
This is slower than a film, which means it gives you more time between dates to think about each other. It is also cheaper, and the conversation will be deeper: you will have time to notice things and develop opinions. If you like the same books, you also learn that about each other.
Plan the next visit
If there is no date in sight, set one. If the last visit is more than a month back, the next one should already be booked or in the calendar with a pencilled date. If you are months apart, give yourselves something to count toward.
A planning date is a real date: pick a time, open a shared document or call each other, and build the trip together. What will you do? Where will you eat? Who is paying for what? What time will you meet? The answers matter less than the fact that you are both thinking about it.
Planning is also a test. If someone does not want to think about or plan the next visit, that tells you something. In a long-distance arrangement, the gap between visits is the space where doubt lives. Filling it with a plan is filling it with a reason to stay.
Keep video dates private
On a video call, you might be tempted to show more of yourself than you would on a first date in person, because you are not actually in the room together. Before any video date, remember: what you do on camera can be recorded, screenshotted or shared. Refuse to send sexualised photos: once shared they can never be completely deleted and may be used for threats or extortion. The same applies to anything else you would not want someone else to see. [Keep video dates to what you would be happy to have recorded, as SARC advises on intimate images 1.
This does not mean you cannot be yourself. It means think before you act. If you want to be intimate over video, that is your choice: just make sure you trust the person on the other end, and that you are only doing it because you want to, not because you feel obligated.
Keep the dates real
The point of dating between visits is to stay close and keep getting to know each other. A date that is just you both in the same room, not paying attention to anything, works if you live near each other. Long distance needs more structure: an activity, an agreement, a plan. But the activity itself should be something you actually enjoy, not something you think you should do.
If you hate cooking shows, do not cook together. If you cannot access a film you both want to watch, do not force it. The date is for you: it should be something that makes you want to dial in on Tuesday, not something you dread. The best long-distance date is the one you both show up for because you want to see each other, and you have given yourselves a reason to do it.
Between visits, the relationship lives in these pockets of time. Make them count. Read about long-distance arrangements more broadly, and make sure you both understand what this setup means. If you are planning a trip together, read about travel safety so the next visit is something you both enjoy safely.
Sources
- Sexual Assault Resource Centre, North Metropolitan Health Service (Government of Western Australia) (2021). Safe online dating.
