DateableWhy threatening to expose an ex always backfires
Threatening to reveal a dating arrangement, photos or someone's identity is image-based abuse and turns you into the person who gets blocked and reported.
Threatening to share intimate images or reveal someone's dating life is image-based abuse, which is a crime in most places. It almost never gets you what you want, and it turns you into the person on the wrong side of a report. The difference between anger and threats is the difference between feeling hurt and committing a crime.
Image-based abuse is a crime
Image-based abuse is when someone shares, or threatens to share, an intimate image or video of a person without their consent 1. That includes threatening to post nude photos, name them publicly, describe the arrangement to their family or friends, or share anything private they trusted you with.
The threat itself is the crime. You do not have to actually send anything for it to be against the law. In many places, including Canada and NSW, threatening to publish an intimate image carries a prison sentence of up to 10 years.
It breaks the core agreement you both made
When two people start dating or an arrangement, there is an unspoken agreement: discretion. Your date chose Dateable because they could be clear about what they wanted without the whole world knowing. You chose it for the same reason. That confidentiality is what makes the arrangement safe for both of you.
When you threaten to break that agreement, you are not punishing an ex. You are showing everyone who finds out about your threat that you cannot be trusted. No one worth meeting will touch an account with a history of threats.
Threatening almost never gets you what you want
People threaten when they are angry and want something: a response, money, an apology, a meeting. But threats make the other person afraid, and afraid people do not do what you ask. They block you, they report you, and they tell other people to avoid you. The threat becomes a record, and records are permanent.
If you are threatening to punish someone for hurting you, that is not punishment: that is revenge. And revenge feels good for about ten minutes, and then you are the one being reported and blocked. If you want money or an apology, threats guarantee you will not get either one. An apology forced by fear is not an apology. Money extracted by blackmail is theft. Neither of these things fixes what happened between you.
What you think will give you power actually strips it away. The person who threatens becomes the problem. Report and block exist for exactly this reason. Every person you threaten tells the next person to avoid you, and dating apps remember accounts that have been reported.
What to do when you are angry instead
Anger after a breakup or the end of an arrangement is normal. You have a right to feel it. But anger at a person is not something to carry into action, especially not in writing on a dating app where there is a record. Words sent in anger live on. Screenshots travel. One moment of rage can end your ability to date on any reputable site.
The urge to threaten comes from feeling powerless. Your date hurt you or disappointed you, and the only power you can grab is the threat to expose them. But that power is an illusion. The moment you make the threat, you have given them and the platform the power over you instead.
I am still angry and I know I will be for a while. I need to talk to someone I trust before I say anything I cannot take back.
Call a friend who will let you vent without judgment. Rage at them. Vent about what happened. Text a counsellor. Write out everything you want to say to your ex and delete it without sending. A counsellor can help you work through anger in ways that do not wreck your reputation and your future dating life. If you need support, reach out today instead of waiting until you have already sent something that cannot be unsent.
What your ex should do if you threaten them
If someone threatens to expose you, do not pay, do not send more intimate content, and do not try to negotiate. These things only encourage the person to keep going. Threats are blackmail, and blackmailers will always ask for more. The person threatening you is betting you will panic and comply. Do not give them what they want.
- Block the person on the app and on any private messaging platform.
- Take a screenshot of the threat. Save the date and time.
- Report the threat to the dating platform. It takes three seconds and platforms take this seriously.
- If the threat involves explicit images, report it to eSafety or your local police service. There are criminal laws covering image-based abuse, so police may be able to investigate 1.
- Tell someone you trust what happened. Do not carry this alone.
Follow the community rules
Dateable exists because people want to be honest about what they want from dating without fear. That honesty only works if everyone keeps their word about discretion. Threatening someone breaks that trust for everyone.
If you are the kind of person who would threaten to expose someone, you are not the kind of person this site is for. If you are being threatened, report it to the platform and get support. If you are angry about how someone treated you, learn how to protect yourself and move on to someone who will not make you regret the time you spent.
Sources
- eSafety Commissioner (2026). Image-based abuse (including revenge porn, sextortion and nude image blackmail).
