Myth: attractive members are only there for the money

Research finds three kinds of motive: financial, experiential and social. People in arrangements say money is part of it, not all of it.

4 minute readUpdated 2026-09-30

Money is part of why some attractive members join, but it is not the whole reason. Research shows that people in sugar arrangements name three things that matter to them: financial support, new experiences, and social connection. The belief that it is all money makes a generous member guarded and keeps you from seeing the person across from you.

Three kinds of motive

A scoping review of sugar dating research found that people enter arrangements for financial, experiential and social reasons ¹. That means three different things bring people to sites like Dateable, and all three are legitimate.

Financial motive is the clearest. Someone might want money to cover rent or tuition, to study without taking on debt, or to have more breathing room in their budget. That is not greed or corruption. It is adulthood. A person working two jobs while studying does not have time to date for free. This is what sugar dating actually is: a way to have a relationship when your circumstances would make conventional dating impossible.

Experiential motive is about doing things alone would not happen. Travel to cities you have always wanted to see. Dinner in a restaurant too fancy for your own budget. A weekend at a place you could not otherwise afford. Time to learn something new because someone else is covering the cost. A person driven by this is not mercenary. They are curious and alive.

Social motive is about connection itself. Someone who has the money but lacks the time, or who is lonely, or who wants an adult relationship without the performance of conventional dating. They want to be seen, listened to, and taken seriously by someone with enough attention to give them all three. That is not desperation. That is hunger for something real.

None of these is less real than the money. A person who says yes because they want an experience is no less serious about the arrangement than someone who is there to cover a fee. And a person looking for genuine connection is not less sincere than one in it for cash. They are answering different needs, that is all.

What people actually say

When researchers asked participants why they were in arrangements, they did not describe them as pure transactions. A study of sugar dating blogs found that people talk openly about the economic side of their arrangements, but they also talk about "chemistry, connection, personal choice and morality" ². They refuse to see what they are doing as purely market-driven. Instead they describe their arrangements as "drama-free, casual, mutually beneficial and different from conventional romantic relationships" ³.

That is not spinning a story. That is what they mean. They are not pretending the money is not there. They are saying the money is not all there is.

Research also found that attractive members reported strong agency in their arrangements ¹. They were choosing. They could have stayed on free dating sites. They chose to be here because something about a Dateable arrangement worked for them. You did not trap them into transaction. They walked in because they wanted something you could offer.

Why the myth hurts you

If you believe an attractive member is only there for money, you will approach them like a buyer. You will price-check everything. You will guard yourself because you assume they are guarding themselves, counting what they get. You will treat the time like a transaction because you have convinced yourself that is what it is. You become suspicious of anything that looks like interest, because it must be performance.

It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you act like you are buying, they will start to feel like they are selling. Someone who came hoping for connection will step into the role you have written for them. And you will both walk away feeling cynical, validating the myth that made you cynical in the first place.

Money is part of it

Do not swing the other way and pretend money does not matter. It does. If you are offering support, it is real. If someone is working or studying on tight money, what you offer can change things. A generous arrangement can be the difference between thriving and surviving. Do not diminish that by pretending it is nothing.

But money being part of it does not make it all of it. The two things coexist.

You can value someone's time and also offer money.
You can care whether they are enjoying themselves and still put thought into what you give.
You can believe they are there partly for financial reasons and also ask what they want.
You can be generous and still look for genuine connection.

How to talk about it

When you are clear about what you are offering, say it plainly. If you are offering a monthly allowance, a gift, an experience or support, say so. And then ask what matters to them. Not as a way to catch them in a lie, but because they probably came with multiple reasons, like you did. Read the guide for generous members for the fuller picture of how to approach this well.

I like that we can be clear with each other. What brought you here? What would make this work for you?

Listen to the answer. If someone says they want to travel, ask them where. If someone says they need breathing room financially, ask what that looks like. If someone says they want company and attention, take that seriously. Someone who tells you what matters to them is trusting you.

When you meet

Bring the person with you, not the myth. The experiential things matter: ask about travel plans, learning, time they have been putting off. Listen to what they say about connection. When you talk about expectations, you are not ruining the romance or making it transactional. You are actually stopping transaction and starting something real: two people who know what the other needs.