DateableMyth: any talk about money in a chat means a scam
Talking about money is normal. The warning sign is a request: to send money, buy a gift card or share bank details before you meet.
Talking about money and expectations is normal and healthy in dating. The warning sign is not the conversation: it is when someone asks you to send money, buy a gift card, pay any kind of fee, or share your bank details before you have met them in person.
Why expectations come up early on a dating site
Dateable exists because people want to be clear about what they are looking for. That includes money. A generous member might be upfront about what they offer. An attractive member might ask what support looks like. These conversations happen because both people want to know whether they are on the same page before they meet.
Talking about it is not a red flag. It is what the site is for. The person on the other end of the chat is likely trying to work out whether meeting you would be a good use of time for both of you. They might ask about expectations, lifestyle, or what support means to you. That is normal conversation between adults who are being honest about what they want.
The difference between a real member and a scammer is that a real member is trying to start a relationship. A scammer is trying to take your money.
The difference between talking and asking
A scammer does not spend weeks building your trust and then ask you to send fifty dollars. They ask early, they ask often, and they ask for more after you give it the first time. A real conversation about expectations is a discussion. A scam is a request.
- Discussion: "What would you be looking for in terms of support?" or "I usually help with things like travel and experiences."
- Request: "Can you send me money for my visa fee?" or "Buy me a gift card."
- Discussion: "How do you feel about covering dinner?"
- Request: "I need you to transfer money for an emergency." or "Send me Bitcoin."
A request is a request. A scammer makes one. A real member does not ask someone they have not met to send them anything.
How scammers use money requests
A scammer's move is always the same. They build your trust first, sometimes over weeks or months, then they ask you to send money for something that sounds real: a plane ticket, an emergency, a visa fee, a fee to "release" funds they claim you sent them. They ask you to use a method that cannot be taken back: a gift card, a wire transfer, cryptocurrency. Once they take your money, they disappear or they come back and ask for more.
The key is this: you have never met them. If someone you have met in person asks to borrow money, that is a relationship decision you get to make. If someone you have never met asks, that is not a person. That is likely someone using a fake profile, possibly photos stolen from someone else, to take money from people who trust them. They are not nervous about being rejected. They do not care if you lose interest. They are working toward one goal: your money.
Money is not what they want. It is all they want.
What a real conversation looks like
In a real chat, expectations come up naturally, not as a request. Someone might say what they usually offer. Someone else says what they are looking for. They ask questions about lifestyle, about what matters to each person. Neither one asks the other to prove anything by sending money first.
I'm looking to meet someone I can be generous with. I usually cover experiences like travel and dinners, but I'd like to meet first and see if we get along.
That is how adults talk about money. There is no ask. There is no proof required. There is just a statement of what they are willing to do. A real member knows that generosity has to be built on something: trust, attraction, and time spent together. Sending money to a stranger proves nothing except that you are willing to send money.
If someone responds with "Can you send me money first to show you are serious?", that is the moment to stop. They are showing you exactly who they are. A person looking for a real relationship does not need money first to stay interested.
If you meet in person and you both like each other, the question of support can come up naturally. Maybe you meet for dinner and they offer to pay. Maybe a week in, you are talking about a weekend trip and they suggest they cover the flights. That is how real support works. It happens in the context of something real.
The things to watch for
- Any request to send money, a gift card, or pay a fee before you have met in person.
- Requests to share bank details, credit card numbers, or passwords.
- Stories about emergencies that need money right now.
- Pressure to move the conversation off the site quickly, especially to WhatsApp or private apps.
- A request that comes after weeks of chatting and declarations that you have a special connection.
- A request to buy something and have it sent somewhere else, or to receive money in your account and send some back.
What to do if someone asks
Stop replying and report the profile. That is all. No explanation, no second chance, no hope that they are real but just going through a hard time. Scammers count on kindness and on people giving them the benefit of the doubt. You do not owe anyone a chance to scam you.
If you have already sent money, contact your bank straight away. Tell them what happened. They may be able to help you get it back. If you think you have been targeted by a scammer, read the guide on how to spot a scam so you can recognise the pattern if it happens again.
Why this matters
Talking about money in dating is normal, and so is being clear about what support means to you. These are the conversations that talk about allowance and expectations. But a request for money before you meet is never normal. Learn the difference, and you can date with confidence. For more on recognising trouble, see the guide on scams.
Talking about money in dating is normal. Asking for it before you meet is not. The difference is simple, and it matters.
