DateableSigns an ex is monitoring or following you
If an ex knows where you are, what you did, or who you met, without you telling them, they are monitoring you. Gather evidence and reach out for help.
If an ex shows up where you are without reason, knows private things about you, or new accounts keep messaging you asking questions, they are monitoring you. Monitoring is a form of abuse, and there are steps you can take to stop it.
They know where you are
An ex who shows up at places you go is watching you. They might arrive at your gym, your favourite cafe, or a friend's street. They might say it is a coincidence, but coincidences stop happening when you change your routine and they still appear.
Start by checking whether they still have access to your location. Open your phone's location services and check who can see your real-time location. Look for their name in:
- Life360 or similar location-sharing apps
- Your Google account's shared locations
- Apple's Find My app if you ever set it up together
- Shared calendar apps that show your location
- Any other app that tracks where devices are
Remove them from every app and service. If they have your Apple ID or Google account password, change those passwords now. If you shared a phone plan, ask the provider to split it so they cannot see your activity. If you paid for their phone or it is in your name, consider whether you need to take it back or change the billing.
They know things you did not tell them
If an ex knows about a date you had, a conversation you held, or where you were last night, they are getting information from somewhere. They might be following your social media accounts, reading your messages through a shared account, or using software that tracks your phone.
Check your devices for signs they still have access. On your phone or computer, look for:
- Their fingerprint or face in your unlock settings
- Their account still logged in to email or messaging apps
- Apps they installed that you do not recognise
- Shared passwords to services you both used
- Shared cloud storage where they can see your photos or files
Log out of every account they might know the password to. Change your passwords to something new, and do not tell them. If you shared cloud storage, download what you need and remove their access. Check your phone's backup settings: if they can reach your backups, they can see your messages.
New accounts keep messaging you
If you block an ex and new accounts start messaging you, asking questions about your life, asking where you are, or asking why you blocked them, that is them. They are using fake accounts or asking friends to message on their behalf.
Do not answer. Do not explain. Block every new account. If a mutual friend suddenly asks questions they have never asked before, or tries to find out where you are or who you are dating, it might be your ex getting information through them. You do not have to tell anyone where you are or who you are seeing.
I'm not comfortable with this line of questioning. I need to focus on moving on, and I need you to respect that.
Monitoring is abuse
Stalking and monitoring are recognised forms of abuse 1. They are meant to make you feel unsafe and to control what you do. An ex who shows up where you are, accesses your accounts, or gathers information about you without consent is abusing you. It is not love, and it does not mean they cannot let you go. It is a crime.
Keep a dated log
From now on, write down every time something happens. Note the date, the time, what happened, and where. If your ex showed up at your gym, write it down. If a new account messaged you, screenshot it and save the date. If a friend told you your ex was asking about you, write it down.
Dated evidence is what police and support services need if you decide to report. It also helps you see patterns you might have missed. Keep these notes somewhere safe, away from your phone: a notebook, a note on a trusted friend's computer, or a cloud account they cannot access.
Get support and make a plan
You do not have to handle this alone. Support services that help people in your situation can advise you on safety, help you gather evidence, and support you if you decide to report to police.
In Australia, 1800RESPECT offers free counselling and help with safety planning 2. In the UK, the National Stalking Helpline 3 gives information on the law, local services, and how to gather evidence. Both services understand that what is happening to you is serious.
You can also report their behaviour through Dateable. A report reaches a person who reviews it. If you need urgent help or feel your safety is at immediate risk, contact local police or emergency services. You also have the right to take steps to protect yourself if something goes wrong.
Sources
- Healthdirect Australia (2024). Domestic violence and abusive relationships.
- 1800RESPECT (2026). 1800RESPECT.
- Suzy Lamplugh Trust (2026). National Stalking Helpline.
