DateableHow to stop unwanted messages from getting to you
Block and report the profile, close the app for a while, then tell someone you trust. Do not reply, and protect your wellbeing first.
Unwanted explicit messages happen on dating apps, and they are not your fault. The fastest way to stop the damage is to block and report the sender right away, close the app for a bit, and tell someone you trust about it.
Block and report straight away
Do not reply or argue with the message. Replying tells the sender your account is active and you read it, which rewards them and can draw out the conversation. Instead, press and hold on the profile or message to open the menu. Report it and block in the same moment. Dateable's report and block tools are one press from any profile, message or listing.
A common first instinct is to set the person straight or explain why their behaviour is wrong. Resist it. The message is not the start of a conversation: it is the sender testing whether you will engage. Arguing or explaining only extends the moment they made unpleasant. Blocking ends it.
When you report, you reach a person who will see what the sender wrote. A report matters because it shows patterns: multiple people reporting the same sender means Dateable can act. The report is not a complaint about your feelings. It is evidence of a specific breach of Dateable's community guidelines. Keep it factual: describe what arrived, when, and whether it repeated.
Why you should not reply
Your instinct might be to tell the sender off or ask them why they think this is acceptable. Both of these moves feel good for a moment, but they do real harm. A reply tells the sender that your account is active, that you read the message and that you react to it. For someone who is testing boundaries or seeking a reaction, that is a reward.
Some senders are looking for engagement at any cost. A heated argument keeps you in the conversation longer than you want to be. Others will argue back, escalate, or switch to a different angle (apologies, promises, requests). None of that is worth your time. The message has already cost you something. Do not let it cost you more.
Mute notifications and close the app
The message will not go away just because you blocked it, but you can stop it from reaching your phone. Mute notifications for the evening so you are not checking the app and reliving the moment. Close it. Do not scroll through other profiles, do not message anyone else on the app, do not look for more messages from them. Let your mind settle before you decide what else to do.
This matters because unwanted explicit messages are designed to shake you. 1 A study found that more frequent exposure to this kind of message linked to more anxiety and depression and lower self-esteem. 2 Giving yourself a break stops the message from sinking deeper. Your brain needs to know this was a brief intrusion, not the normal experience on the app.
The urge to immediately find someone nicer, or to prove to yourself that other people are better, is natural. But it keeps you emotionally in the app when you need to be out of it. Step away for a few hours, or a full day if it shook you badly. The app will still be there tomorrow.
Tell someone you trust
Text or call someone in your life. Do not edit the story or soften it to spare their feelings. Say exactly what happened and how you feel. If you felt frightened, say that. If it just disgusted you, say that too. Say the exact words if you can: they will understand you are not exaggerating. Most people who get these messages find it helps to say it aloud to someone before it becomes a private shame or a reason to stop using the app.
Shame is the thing that does the most damage after unwanted messages. The message itself is not your fault. You did not invite it. Your profile picture or your words did not cause it. Someone chose to send it. That is entirely on them. But shame makes you believe you should have prevented it somehow, or that you caused it, or that it defines your experience on the app. Telling someone dismantles that lie. When you say it aloud to a person who knows you, the shame loses ground.
I got an unwanted explicit message on the app. I blocked and reported it. I wanted you to know because I trust you.
You do not have to decide anything else right now. You do not owe the sender an explanation. You do not have to report to the police unless you want to. You do not even have to open the app again today. What you do right now is rest.
If it keeps happening
A one-time message from a stranger is common and does not define your experience on Dateable. But if this keeps happening, especially from the same person despite blocking, or if the message scared you, do not ignore the pattern.
- Report each message when it arrives, even if they are repeats. Keep records of dates, times and what exactly arrived. Patterns are how platforms catch serial offenders.
- Do not unblock to check whether they sent more, and do not engage with their apologies or explanations if you unblock. Blocking is permanent for you.
- If you feel unsafe or threatened, talk to someone trained in this: reach out to safety services. Lifeline (13 11 14), Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) or 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) in Australia answer 24 hours a day.
- You can delete your account at any time, and Dateable holds no data on you after that. No one should feel trapped on an app.
None of this says anything about who you are or how you look or what you wore. The sender is telling you about themselves: that they do not respect a basic boundary, and that they are comfortable crossing it. Block them, report them, and move on. The other people on the app are not like that.
Sources
- Anderson, M., Vogels, E. A., & Turner, E. (Pew Research Center) (2020). The Virtues and Downsides of Online Dating.
- Echevarria, S. G., Peterson, R. S., & Woerner, J. I. (2022). College Students' Experiences of Dating App Facilitated Sexual Violence and Associations with Mental Health Symptoms and Well-Being.
