DateableHow to leave a first date that feels wrong
If a date feels wrong, you can leave with no explanation or apology. Your safety matters more than politeness.
If a date feels wrong, you can leave. Not later, not after one more drink: right now, with no explanation and no apology. You owe your date nothing, even if they paid for your meal.
You don't owe them your time
The person across the table is a stranger. You have no obligation to stay, to explain your reasoning, to be polite about leaving, or to make them feel better about it. Your instinct telling you something is off is enough. Start with the precautions in first date safety, and trust your gut if something shifts. 1
Scammers, predators and people looking for trouble count on politeness. They hope you will override your gut to avoid an awkward conversation. Do not. The uncomfortable five minutes of leaving a date is nothing compared to the cost of ignoring a warning sign.
Some dates feel wrong from the moment you meet. Their photo looked like them but feels different in person. They seem angry, dismissive or disrespectful. They steer the conversation toward money, sex, or ask invasive questions. Others feel fine at first and then shift: a joke that crosses a line, a story that does not add up, a sudden hostility when you say no to something, or a hand that moves somewhere you did not invite.
All of these are reasons to leave. Your comfort matters. Your safety matters. His feelings do not.
The words to use
You don't need a plan. You don't need a reason. You need to leave. What you say next is simple: one short sentence, in a calm voice, and then you stand up.
- "I don't think this is going to work."
- "I'm not feeling it."
- "I'm going to head out."
- "I need to go. It was nice to meet you."
Nothing longer. A long explanation invites argument, negotiation, or him trying to fix whatever he thinks went wrong. A short sentence is final.
I'm not feeling it. I'm going to head out.
Say it once. Do not apologise. Do not soften it. Do not leave space for a response. Stand up, gather your things, and move toward the exit or toward other people.
Walk to people or the bar
After you speak, walk to the bar, the host stand, or toward other staff. If the date tries to follow you or keeps talking, tell a bartender or staff member "This date is not going well and I need to leave." Most venues have seen this. They will help you. Some bars have an "Ask for Angela" code word that gets you help without saying why: check when you arrive.
If the venue is quiet or your date becomes aggressive, walk outside to the entrance or a main road. A public street with people and traffic is safer than an empty side street. Do not go to the car park with him, do not offer him a chance to walk you out, and do not agree to "just talk in the car for a minute."
Take your own transport
The reason to arrive by taxi, public transport or your own car is simple: you control when you leave. If you came in their car, you are stuck until he decides to drive you. 1
Order a taxi or rideshare from the venue, or walk to a main road and wait there. Look at your phone so you appear occupied and confident. Do not stand outside the venue waiting for him to come out; once you are out, order your ride from somewhere he cannot see you, such as inside a nearby shop or café.
Tell your friend straight away
The moment you are in the taxi or a few minutes after you leave, message the friend who knows where you are. Not tomorrow. Not in an hour. Now. Tell them you are safe and you left early because the date didn't feel right. That is all the detail they need.
They already know you took precautions. Knowing you are safe and away is what matters. Do not worry about sounding dramatic. Leaving a date that feels wrong is not dramatic. It is smart.
Block and report
Report the profile and block them in your Dateable account. You do not owe him a message explaining why you left, or why you blocked him. A simple block or report is enough. Other people on Dateable may be safer if you tell us why the date went wrong. We will read your report and we will take action if the profile breaks our community rules.
If something more happened
If the date became hostile, aggressive, or if you felt physically threatened, if he would not let you leave, or if anything sexual or violent happened, you are not alone and you can get help. Contact 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732, or text 0458 737 732) for support 24 hours a day. The Sexual Assault Resource Centre is also available on 1800 199 888. Read what to do if something goes wrong for more resources. In New Zealand, call Police on 105 or visit your local station.
If you are in immediate danger right now, call 000 in Australia or emergency services in your country. You do not need to decide whether it "counts." If you felt unsafe, it matters. Your safety is what matters.
Sources
- Sexual Assault Resource Centre, North Metropolitan Health Service (Government of Western Australia) (2021). Safe online dating.
