DateableWhy drinking to feel braver about your limits is a mistake
Alcohol lets you ignore your own hesitation, but it also stops you saying no. Limits worth changing are worth changing sober.
Using alcohol to feel braver about your limits is a mistake because it stops you thinking clearly, and it makes it harder to change your mind. A limit worth relaxing is worth relaxing sober.
Alcohol and consent
Consent means you knowingly and freely agree to sex or sexual activity. You cannot give real consent if you are impaired by alcohol or drugs. You cannot consent if you are so intoxicated you cannot choose or refuse 1.
That rule holds whether you are the person impaired or the person on the other side. If you are drinking to get past your own hesitation, you cannot actually agree to anything. Your date cannot know whether you really want to be there.
Alcohol makes you ignore the word no
Alcohol does not just let you get past your own limits. It makes holding them much harder once you have started. If you want to say no partway through, alcohol clouds your judgment. It slows your voice. It makes you less likely to push back if your date pushes further.
That is not about willpower. It is the drug itself. Alcohol impairs the part of your brain that makes decisions and lets you act on them. If you need it to feel braver, that is because some part of you is saying no. Alcohol stops you hearing that voice.
This matters because you cannot hold a no once you have started. Alcohol makes you less likely to push back if your date does not listen. You cannot withdraw consent if you cannot speak clearly. You cannot leave if you feel unsafe. By morning, you are left with a disagreement about what you actually said, and alcohol will still be blamed rather than the person who chose not to listen 2.
The limit worth relaxing is worth relaxing sober
You may have a limit you are thinking about changing. A boundary that used to make sense but does not quite fit anymore. Do not use alcohol to relax it.
A good reason to change a limit is that you have thought about it, talked to people you trust, and decided it fits who you are now. A bad reason is that alcohol made you stop worrying.
Talk to your date sober. Tell them what you are thinking about, and what you need from them. A person who respects you will wait for you to be clear. If they push the alcohol instead of waiting, they are showing you something useful: that they care more about what they want than about what you actually agree to.
I have been thinking about changing how I feel about this. Can we talk about it when I am not drinking?
The hangover question
The morning after, you might feel differently. You might feel different than you did at the end of the night. That is not a sign that alcohol was a good idea. It is a sign that alcohol made you agree to something you would not have agreed to sober.
Regret is information. It is telling you that the decision was not really yours.
Before a date, set your limits sober
If you are planning to drink on a date, decide your limits before you start drinking. Write them down if it helps. This is part of looking after yourself when you meet someone new.
- How much you plan to drink, and stick to it
- What you will and will not do sexually, and why
- How you will check in with yourself, and when
- Who you will tell where you are, and when you will call them
Then, when you are out, keep those decisions in front of you. If your date wants you to drink more, or pushes past what you said, these are warning signs.
Some dates will feel like the right time to have a drink and relax. That is fine. But only drink after you have already decided what you will do. Do not use drinking to decide what you will do. Do not use it to get yourself ready to do something you are not sure about.
The other person is drinking too
If your date is drinking heavily, they cannot consent either. That means you both need to set boundaries about what happens. Not in the moment. Sober, in conversation.
If someone suggests drinking specifically so you will do things you otherwise would not, that is a choice they are making about you. They are trying to override your judgment because they value what they want more than what you actually want. This is especially true in sugar dating, where the negotiation is supposed to be clear and sober from the start.
Pay attention to this sign early. A person who is already trying to override your judgment before you have even agreed to anything will not get better once the arrangement starts. If they are comfortable with impaired consent now, they are comfortable with it later.
Sugar dating and alcohol
In sugar dating, clarity matters more than in most dating. You are both clear about what generosity means, what sex means, what exclusivity means. Alcohol fogs that clarity. It makes it easy for disagreements to happen, and hard to untangle them later.
Stay sober through the conversation where you work out expectations. Sober through the first date, at least until you have established trust. If something feels unclear, do not drink it away. Talk about it.
Sources
- NSW Communities and Justice (2022). Affirmative consent becomes law in NSW.
- Healthdirect Australia (2023). Sexual assault and rape.
