Myth: the attractive member holds all the power

Power in dating runs both ways. Each side holds real but limited kinds of it, and keeping yours means staying independent.

4 minute readUpdated 2026-09-30

Power in an arrangement runs both ways. Both people hold real but limited kinds of power, and neither person's power is complete. If you want to keep the power you have, you have to keep your exits and your income of your own.

The myth of one-sided power

The story goes like this: in sugar dating, the attractive member holds all the cards. They have something someone wants, so they can set the terms. But that story leaves out half the picture. It ignores that the generous side can walk away too. It assumes the attractive side has no limits. It misses what actually happens in real arrangements.

What women in sugar relationships say about power

When Scull interviewed women in sugar relationships, they described several kinds of power: control over the money they received, control over their time and attention, and the ability to use appearance to their advantage. But the same women also described experiences they found disempowering: times they felt pressured, times they could not control what happened to them, times they felt unsafe. ¹

Power is not something you either have or do not have. It is specific. You may control your schedule and the intimate moments you share, but feel unsafe in other ways. You may have leverage over money but lose control over your time. You may be able to say no to one thing but feel trapped into saying yes to another. That is why both sides of an arrangement have real power and real limits.

Agency and stigma both exist

A scoping review of 27 studies found that sugar babies overwhelmingly reported a sense of agency in their arrangements: they were making a choice and getting something they wanted. ² At the same time, they described stigma and shame. These two things exist side by side. You can be choosing this and still feel ashamed of it. You can have agency and feel judged by people who do not understand what you are doing.

That split between agency and shame matters because shame can make you feel powerless even when you are making real choices. If you feel too much shame about the arrangement, you may hide it from everyone. Hiding it cuts you off from people who could help if something went wrong. That isolation is real power slipping away.

Power shows up in health and safety

One concrete measure of power is what happens in the bedroom. Women who reported feeling they held more power in the relationship were more likely to insist on condom use. ³ When you feel you have power, you are more likely to enforce your own boundaries around intimacy and safety. When you do not feel powerful, you are more likely to go along with what someone else wants, even if it puts you at risk.

Condom use is the clearest example, but the same pattern shows up everywhere: negotiating the time you spend together, saying no to demands on your attention, refusing unsafe requests, walking away from someone who treats you badly. All of these depend on you feeling you have the right to say no. They all depend on power.

How to keep the power you have

Power in an arrangement comes from having options. If you have no money of your own, you cannot leave. If you have no friends outside the arrangement, you have no one to confide in and no life to go back to. If you have no way out, you are trapped. The opposite is also true: if you have resources and connections and a plan, you have power.

Keep your own income. Do not spend every dollar the arrangement brings in. Keep some for yourself so you can leave if you need to.
Keep your friends and your life outside this arrangement. A person who is isolating you from other people is using that isolation as a form of power.
Know the exit. If something changes, if the arrangement stops working, do you know how you would support yourself? Do you have a plan B?
Use Dateable's tools to keep yourself safe: report and block are one press away from any profile, message or listing. You do not need permission to use them.

Both sides hold power and both sides hold it from a position of limit

The generous side can offer money, but that money only keeps the arrangement going if the attractive side agrees to it. They cannot force the relationship to continue. The attractive side can walk away, but only if they have somewhere to walk to. For guides on how generous members can keep their own power, read this. For the complete picture of arrangements in sugar dating, start here.

If someone in an arrangement makes you feel like you have no power at all, or threatens to cut off support unless you do what they want, that is not a difference in power. That is abuse. Check out the guides for attractive members for more on what a fair arrangement looks like.