DateableHow the "pay for my travel to meet you" scam works
A match asks you to send money for a flight, train or ride to meet you. Once you send it, they disappear or ask for more.
A match you have not met asks you to send money for a flight, train or ride to come and meet you. Once you send it, they either never arrive or contact you later with a new problem that needs more money. This is one of the oldest scams on dating sites, and plane tickets and visa fees are on the FTC's list of the most common requests 1.
Why this works on generous members
The people on the generous side of Dateable are used to paying. You expect to contribute to dates, help out with costs and give gifts. A request that fits that pattern reads as reasonable at first.
But the scammer is betting on something else: you have not met them yet, and you cannot verify who they are or whether they will actually come. That is the gap. A generous member would gladly pay for a real date with someone they have decided they like. A scammer uses that generosity to take money for a journey that was never real.
The request that comes too early
The pattern is almost always the same. After a few days or a few weeks of messaging, a match talks about meeting you. You suggest a plan. Then they say they cannot afford the flight, or they need a visa, or the visa is taking too long, or they lost their wallet. Each story is slightly different, but the ask is the same: send money now, and they will come.
Sometimes they say they live closer than they claim and will come next week. Sometimes they say they work offshore and are only home for a few days. Sometimes they are a pilot or engineer stationed far away. The excuse is less important than the fact that money for travel is being asked for before the two of you have ever met.
If someone you are chatting with on a dating site or app asks you for money, stop talking to them 2. That is the single most important rule. It covers this scam and many others.
I cannot send you money for a ticket. I would love to meet you, but we need to figure out how to do that without money changing hands before we meet. If you cannot travel without help, we can talk about other options.
What happens if you send the money
If you send money for travel, one of two things usually happens. Either the person vanishes: they stop replying, their profile disappears, and you never see them again. Or they contact you days later with a new problem. The flight was booked but the visa was rejected. The flight is booked but they need money for airport transport. They missed the flight and need to book another one. Each new problem costs more money.
By the time you realise what has happened, you have sent hundreds or thousands of dollars and have nothing in return except messages from someone you have never met, whose photos may have come from anywhere, and whose name might not be real.
The defence: meet nearby first
The strongest defence against this scam is also the strongest defence against most dating scams. Meet in person before any money changes hands, and meet somewhere close to where they already live.
If someone in another city wants to meet you, suggest you meet them halfway, or that they come to your city at their own cost. If they cannot, they will tell you a reason. If the reason is that they cannot afford a ticket and ask you to pay, you have found a scammer. If the reason is real and they want to wait until they have saved, that is a choice, but the scam defence is the same: no money, no promises.
If you are serious about meeting someone in another city or country, there is another option. Agree on a plan with them: the date, the location, a hotel where you will meet. Then you book and pay for their ticket yourself, in their name. You do not send them money. You send a booking confirmation to an email they give you, or to an airline website where they can check it with their ID. You pay the hotel. You keep the records. This way, if they do not show up, you have a paper trail and they cannot ask for more money because you never gave them any.
- Anyone asking for money before you have met is a scammer or a person with a problem you should not be solving.
- Never send wire transfers, gift cards, cryptocurrency or money apps to someone you have not met in person.
- If you have already sent money, contact your bank straight away.
- The best defence is to meet in person first, near where they already are, and not to send money directly to the other person ever.
If it has already happened
If you have sent money to someone who asked for help with travel and they have now stopped replying or asked for more, stop sending money immediately. Contact your bank and describe the fraud. Do not expect to recover the money, but your bank can sometimes reverse the transaction if you act quickly.
Report the profile to Dateable and to any platform where you found them. Do not delete the messages: save them or screenshot them in case you report the person to police. Block them so they cannot contact you again.
Why this matters for long-distance
Long-distance arrangements have real travel costs, but those costs come later, after the two of you have met and agreed on what you both want. Before you meet, no one asks for money. After you meet, you know who they are, and if you choose to help with travel, that is a generous choice you are making with a real person you have chosen, not a decision being made for you by a stranger with a story.
When you plan a first date with someone in another city, the planning itself should not cost you money. If you are the generous member on Dateable, that generosity buys you a real date with someone who showed up. It does not pay for promises from someone who might not be who they say they are, and probably will not arrive at all.
On Dateable as a generous member, being generous means you give to people you have chosen and met. It does not mean you transfer money to strangers based on stories.
Sources
- Federal Trade Commission (2022). What To Know About Romance Scams.
- Get Cyber Safe (Government of Canada) (2021). Online dating cyber security: Three ways to stay protected.
