Should you stay in an arrangement that makes you anxious?

If worry about your partner is constant, it is time to talk or leave. Feeling unsafe or unsure is a warning sign.

5 minute readUpdated 2026-09-30

If the anxiety is about the other person, not about change or newness, it is time to talk or leave. Feeling worried, unsafe or unsure around a partner is a warning sign in any relationship ¹, and it deserves to be taken seriously.

Tell ordinary nerves from dread

Some anxiety when starting an arrangement is ordinary. You do not know the person yet, you cannot predict how they will behave, and your future together is uncertain. That uncertainty fades as you spend time together and learn to trust each other. Early dates can feel nerve-wracking. You wonder whether they like you back, whether you are compatible, whether this will go anywhere. Those feelings are normal and they usually settle once you have met a few times and know more about each other.

Dread is different. Dread is the feeling that something is wrong with the other person. You are worried not because you do not know them yet, but because you see something in how they behave towards you that does not sit right. You might feel tense around them, or find yourself checking their messages or asking permission before you do ordinary things. You replay conversations trying to figure out what you did wrong. That feeling often gets worse, not better, as time goes on, and it is a sign that something in the arrangement is not healthy.

What a healthy arrangement looks like

In a healthy arrangement, you feel safe to share your thoughts and say when you disagree. You trust each other and can depend on one another. Both of you respect each other's time, space and choices ¹. If something bothers you, you can bring it up without fear that your partner will punish you, ignore you or turn it around to blame you.

You make plans together and you both have a say. Neither of you makes big decisions unilaterally. You see your friends and family when you want to, and your partner does the same. You can tell each other where you are and why without it being interrogation. You handle your own money, or if one partner contributes money, it is by agreement and without strings attached. Money is never used as leverage or control.

In a healthy arrangement, you can be yourself. You do not spend your energy trying to keep the other person happy, or adjusting your behaviour to avoid their anger. You are not walking on eggshells.

Warning signs that you are not safe

Some behaviours are red flags, even early on. Watch for a partner who:

Controls your decisions, money, social life or daily routine ¹
Makes you feel watched, questioned or monitored, or demands to know where you are and who you are with
Isolates you from friends and family, or makes you justify seeing them, or gets angry when you make other plans
Uses anger, guilt or threats to get what they want, or punishes you by withdrawing affection or money
Lies often or asks you to lie for them ²
Pressures you to do things you do not want to do, sexually or otherwise, or does not stop when you say no
Makes you feel like you are always doing something wrong, even when you are not

Control of your money, routine or friends is a form of abuse ². So is isolating you, making you feel scared, or using emotional blackmail to keep you in the arrangement. These patterns do not improve on their own and they often get worse over time. The person usually does not see it as abuse because they believe they are justified or that you brought it on yourself.

What to say first

If something is not right, start with conversation. Pick a calm moment, not in the heat of the moment or when they are angry or tired. Be specific about what worries you. Use "I" statements: say how their behaviour made you feel, not a judgment of who they are.

When you checked my phone yesterday without asking, it made me feel like you don't trust me. I need to know whether we can both have privacy. Can we talk about that?

Or if they control your plans:

I noticed you get upset when I see my friends. I need to be able to see them without conflict. That's important to me in any arrangement.

Another approach if you feel afraid or have tried talking and nothing changed:

This arrangement doesn't feel right to me anymore. I think we need to end things.

Listen to how they respond. Do they hear you, apologise and change their behaviour? Do they ask what they can do differently? Or do they get defensive, blame you, make excuses or twist your words to make you the problem? Someone who cares about you will try to set boundaries that work for both of you. They will not use your concerns as a reason to punish you.

When leaving is the answer

If the conversation does not change anything, or if they refuse to have it, that is a sign. If the worry keeps growing, or if you feel afraid, it is time to end the arrangement. You do not need permission to leave. You do not need to prove they were wrong. Feeling unsafe is enough.

You do not have to wait for things to get worse. You do not have to stay because you have already spent time on the arrangement, or because leaving feels difficult, or because they cry or say it will be the last time. You do not have to leave only when things become physical or violent. Emotional control and manipulation are abuse too, and they matter.

You also do not have to leave alone or in silence. If you are afraid, or if you have tried to leave before and your partner blocked your exit, reach out to the service below. They can help you plan safely.

Help is always available

If you feel unsafe, you are not alone. 1800RESPECT is Australia's national service for anyone affected by relationship abuse, and it answers 24 hours a day ³. Call 1800 737 732, text 0458 737 732, or use online chat and video call. There is no judgment. You do not have to have already left, or be sure you want to leave, to reach out.

They help with any form of abuse, including control, monitoring and isolation. They have trained counsellors who understand how hard it is to leave an arrangement you thought would work. They can help you plan how to leave safely, think through your options, and they know what resources exist in your area.

If something goes wrong in the arrangement, or if you need support making sense of what happened, guides and help are there. You are not the first person to feel this way, and you will not be the last. The path out is hard but it is always possible.