DateableWhat to tell your date about the plan, with examples
Send one clear message a few days before: day, time, place, dress code, duration and how they get there. Three examples for dinner, a daytime activity and an event.
Tell your date the plan in writing a few days before you meet. One message with the day, time, place, what to wear, how long you have and how they get there is all they need to decide whether to come. A clear plan takes a minute to write and stops both of you guessing.
Why a plan message matters
A plan message does four things. First, it lets them dress right for the place and the occasion, so they arrive feeling ready, not underdressed and awkward. Second, it gives them what they need to tell a friend where they will be 1, which is basic safety. Third, it shows you are serious and organized, which stands out. Fourth, it gives them time to decide whether the plan actually works for them, rather than scrambling when they see it.
The surprise can be the activity, the restaurant's name, or what you have planned for dessert. The meeting place and time are never a surprise. A hidden meeting place is not mysterious; it is unsafe and looks like you are hiding something.
What to include in your message
- Day and date. Saturday the 4th, not 'this weekend'. A date on the calendar removes any ambiguity.
- Start time. 7.30 pm, not 'evening'. They need to know when to leave work or what to do beforehand.
- The place, by name and suburb. Not 'a bar near you'. A real name and location let them tell a friend, check the venue and plan their route.
- How long you have. Two hours for dinner, an afternoon for sightseeing, midnight for an event. They can plan around it.
- What to wear. Smart casual, black tie, resort wear. The dress code guide covers what each means.
- How they get there. Will you pick them up from somewhere public, or should they take a taxi? Do you have parking? If it is a Board date, mention whether they should drive or if public transport works.
If any of these change, tell them again the day before 1. A last-minute venue change is a reason to cancel.
Three template messages
A dinner
I'd love to take you to dinner on Saturday the 4th at 7.30 pm at Miller on the Bay, in Fremantle. It's a proper restaurant, so smart casual: a jacket and nice trousers, or a dress. We should have about two hours. Pick your own way there or I can book you a taxi from your place. Does that work?
A daytime activity
I'm thinking Sunday the 5th, 11 am at the Perth Market. Casual, since we'll be walking. Bring a light jacket; it cools down. I'll be there early so you can find me by the flower stand. About three hours? There's a café inside if you want lunch after. Just let me know how you'd like to get there.
An event or experience
Would you be free for Thursday the 2nd? There's a live jazz night at the State Theatre Company, 8 pm, and I have a couple of tickets. It's black tie: a dinner jacket or a dark suit for you, and a cocktail dress or gown for me. It runs until 10.30. If you haven't got the right clothes, I'm happy to cover a hire or a new outfit. Your call. How does Thursday suit?
Each message tells them what day it is, what time to be ready, where to meet, what to wear, how long it will take and what to do about getting there.
When to send it
Send the plan message three or four days before. That gives them time to check their calendar, plan their outfit, and back out if something does not work, without either of you scrambling. If you are matching through the Board and you accept a guest, send the plan as part of your first message, because the venue name is only shown to the person you accept.
If the plan changes
The day before, send a short confirmation. If anything has changed - the time, the place, anything - tell them then. If the venue has to change, offer another option at the same date and time, or pick a different night. A venue change at the last minute is a reasonable reason for them to cancel.
Just confirming: still Saturday at 7.30 at Miller on the Bay? I'll be there at 7.25 and I'll grab a table out on the terrace if it's still light. Text me if you get stuck.
Why this matters for the other person
A clear plan lets your date tell a friend where they will be 1, which is safety advice from sexual assault services. They also get to dress right so they arrive feeling confident, not awkward. And they get to plan their evening, which means they are more likely to show up and have a good time. A person who has to guess what you want and where to go is already stressed before the night starts.
If you have given them a plan and they cancel or do not show, that is information. Someone who commits to a clear plan and then bails, or who changes the venue after you have confirmed, has told you something about how they handle their own word. See accepting and confirming for how the Board handles cancellations fairly, and first date safety for what to do before you meet.
Sources
- Sexual Assault Resource Centre, North Metropolitan Health Service (Government of Western Australia) (2021). Safe online dating.
