DateableShould you accept a phone or laptop from a partner?
Accept it only if new and sealed. Set it up yourself with your own accounts, because a device pre-configured by someone else can be used to monitor you.
Accept a phone or laptop from a partner only if it is brand new and still sealed in its box. You need to set it up yourself, from scratch, with your own accounts and your own passwords, because a device someone else has already configured can include hidden tools that let them monitor everything you do. Monitoring is a recognised form of abuse, and it is used to control you.
Why a pre-configured device is dangerous
When you set up a new device yourself, you create the account, choose the password, and decide which apps to install. When someone else sets it up for you, they control that process. They can add their own email address as a recovery contact, set up location tracking in a way you will not see, install apps that let them read your messages, or enable built-in device tracking features that monitor your location in real time.
You may not know these tools are there. Many monitoring apps run invisibly in the background, sending data to someone else's phone without showing you anything on your screen. By the time you realise what is happening, the person has months of your location history, your message threads, your contacts, and a clear picture of everywhere you go and everyone you talk to.
Whoever set up the device may also know its passwords. If they set up your email or social media accounts, they can access recovery codes, reset your passwords, and lock you out of your own accounts whenever they want. You lose control of your digital life.
Monitoring is abuse
Monitoring your location, your messages or your calls without your knowledge or permission is a form of control. It is used to isolate you from people who might help you, to prevent you from leaving, and to know exactly where you are at every moment. This is domestic abuse 1.
Someone who respects you will not need to watch you. If your partner seems uncomfortable with you having privacy, or suggests they need to track you "for your safety" or "so they know where you are", that is a warning sign.
What to check if you already have a device
If a partner has already given you a phone or laptop and it was already set up, you can take some steps now.
- Check location sharing. On an iPhone, go to Settings → Privacy & Security → Location Services, see which apps can use your location, and check Find My for anyone you share it with. On Android, go to Settings → Location → App location permissions (names vary by brand). Look for any app you do not recognise.
- Look for unexpected accounts. On an iPhone, go to Settings → [Your name] and see what email addresses are on the device. On Android, go to Settings → Accounts and see what accounts are linked. If you see the other person's email or an email you do not recognise, remove it.
- Change your passwords. Use a computer or device you control to change the password on any important accounts: email, social media, banking, dating apps. Do this on a network they do not control.
- Create your own email address. If the device is using an email address the other person created, make a new email account on a different service and use that instead for any important accounts.
If your date offers you a device
If someone offers to buy you a phone or laptop, ask for it unopened. If it arrives open or used, politely decline. You can say:
That is generous, thank you. I like to set up my own devices, so could it stay sealed in the box? I'll open it myself.
If they push back or seem upset that you do not want to use their device, pay attention. A person who respects your boundaries will understand.
Why a new device matters
A brand new, sealed device means nobody has had the chance to add tracking software or change the default settings. When you open it yourself and set it up, you can use strong passwords you choose, enable two-factor authentication, and decide exactly which apps to install and which permissions to give them.
This is especially important because you will use this device to message people, search for help, and handle your money. You need to be sure it is yours alone.
How to factory reset a device
If you have a device that was pre-configured and you cannot remove the other person's accounts, a factory reset will wipe everything and let you start from scratch. On an iPhone, go to Settings → General → Transfer or Reset → Erase All Content and Settings. On Android, go to Settings → System → Reset options → Erase all data. You will lose any files and photos on the device, so back up anything important first to a cloud service you control.
After the reset, set up the device as if it is brand new. Create a password only you know, add your own email address, and do not share the password with anyone. This gives you a clean start.
If you are concerned
If you think your device is being monitored, or if a partner is tracking your location without your knowledge, contact 1800RESPECT. It is a free, confidential counselling service that helps with stalking and monitoring, and can talk you through your options 2. They answer 24 hours a day, and you can call, text, use online chat or video call.
Setting boundaries about what you own and how you communicate is not mean. It is normal and healthy. Read the guide for attractive members for more on recognising control and what to do if something goes wrong.
Sources
- Healthdirect Australia (2024). Domestic violence and abusive relationships.
- 1800RESPECT (2026). 1800RESPECT.
