DateableHow to set up an exit call with a friend, with examples
Agree on a call time, a code word, and an excuse your friend knows about. It gives you a way to leave without arguing if the date goes wrong.
An exit call is a planned phone call from a friend that gives you a reason to leave the date, no explanation needed. You and your friend agree beforehand on when they will call, what words mean what, and what excuse you will use. If the date is bad, the call is your exit. If it is good, you simply do not answer or you take it and say a friend is in trouble and you must go. It is one of the practical tools you can use for any first date.
Why an exit call works
A date that starts badly sometimes gets worse if you stay. You might feel pressured to keep going, or you might not want to hurt the other person's feelings by saying you want to leave. An exit call removes that choice from you: you do not decide to go, your friend calls and you have to answer. [Tell a trusted person who, when and where, and when you expect home]1, and an exit call is part of that. You never have to argue about leaving, and you never have to feel guilty about not staying.
The best part is that you probably will not need it. Most dates are fine. But if something goes wrong, or if someone is rude, or if they lied about who they are, the phone call is there and you can go.
Setting up the call with your friend
Before you go on the date, text or call your friend with three pieces of information:
- The time. Pick a time the date will probably still be happening. If you are meeting for lunch at 12:30, pick 1:15. If you are meeting for drinks at 7pm, pick 7:45. Your friend calls at that exact time, no matter what.
- The code word. Pick a simple word that means "come and get me." A colour, an animal, a place you have been. It does not have to be secret. You will use it in your reply to the call.
- The reason to leave. You need something to say aloud to your date. "My friend needs me to pick her up", "My housemate has a crisis", "I have to take my dog to the emergency vet." Pick one and tell your friend exactly what it is. You say it, your date hears it, the call becomes real.
The call and the exit
Your friend calls at the agreed time. You answer. This is how it sounds:
Friend: Hi, it's me. Can you talk? You: Hey, what's up? Friend: I need you to pick me up. It's an emergency. You: Okay, I'm coming. I'll be there in 20 minutes.
You hang up. You turn to your date and you tell them the excuse.
"That was my housemate. She's having a really rough time and I need to get to her. I'm sorry, I have to go."
And you go. You do not stay and talk about it. You do not explain more. You do not ask what they want to do next week. You leave.
If the date is good, still go
The call comes and the date is going well. You still have to leave. The reason is simple: your friend is expecting you. You told them where you were going, when you would be there, and when you would call back. They need to hear from you. So when your friend calls, you can say something like:
"I'm having a really nice time, but I promised my friend I'd meet her at 8 and I'm already late. I should go. Can I message you tomorrow?"
Or you do not answer the phone. Either way, the call was the signal. You get up and you go. Your friend gets to hear from you in person that the date was fine. You get to leave on good terms, and you keep your boundaries: you agreed to a time limit and you kept it.
Add a second code word for real danger
The exit call is for dates that are uncomfortable or going nowhere. But there is a reason to add one more layer. Agree on a second word that means "something is wrong and I need police or help."
If you say this word in your reply to the call, your friend knows not to wait for you to get home. They call the police and they give them your location. You stay on the phone with your friend and you keep them talking so the call stays open and records your location. The police know something is happening, and they know where you are.
For example:
Friend: I need you to pick me up. It's an emergency. You: [Calmly, like nothing is wrong] I'm coming. I'll bring the purple umbrella.
"Purple umbrella" was your second code word. Your friend knows it means call the police now.
What to tell your date beforehand
You do not have to tell your date about the exit call. It is not their business. But if they ask why you are telling a friend where you are going, you can be honest:
"I always let a friend know where I'm going and when I'll be back. It's just what we do."
That is it. Most people do this. It is normal and it is wise. [Meet in a public place with other people around]1 and tell a friend your location. An exit call is part of the same first date safety plan.
Make it a routine
Set up an exit call before every first date. It takes one text to your friend. "Picking me up tomorrow at 7:45pm. The code word is 'flamingo', and I'll say my housemate needs me." Your friend texts back "got it" and you are done. [You do not feel bad about cutting the date short if it does not feel right]2. You have a way out that takes none of the guilt.
Sources
- Sexual Assault Resource Centre, North Metropolitan Health Service (Government of Western Australia) (2021). Safe online dating.
- New Zealand Police (2026). Safety advice.
