DateableFirst date mistakes sugar babies make
Five mistakes to avoid on a first date: accepting a lift, meeting at a hotel, asking about money early, drinking to calm nerves, staying too late.
The five common ones: accepting a lift or a hotel venue, asking about money before you know your date, drinking to calm nerves, oversharing personal details, and staying past the time you set. Each feels small, and each costs you the ability to leave or speak up if something is wrong.
- Accepting a lift or meeting at their hotel
- Asking about money before you know them
- Drinking to calm your nerves
- Sharing personal details too early
- Staying past the time you set
Do not accept a lift, or meet at their hotel room
You need two things on a first date: your own way home and a public space. When you accept a lift from a new date, or agree to meet in their hotel room, you give up both.
Taking your own transport means you control when the date ends. A taxi, a rideshare account in your own name, or public transport all work. It says to the other person that you will leave if you need to, and it means you can. If they suggest meeting at their hotel room, the answer is no: meet in a public place with people around, and never at their place or yours on a first date 1. The first-date safety guide has the full plan.
I'd love to meet. How about [wine bar] on Sunday at 3? I'll make my own way there.
This does two things: it shows you are serious about safety, and it filters out people who are looking for something that does not involve being seen in public. Both are useful information.
Do not ask about money before you know them
The sooner you ask about an allowance or arrangement details, the sooner the other person's answer becomes the reason you are there. And if they say a number that disappoints you, suddenly you have to decide whether to say so, or pretend it does not matter.
Spend a coffee or a drink finding out whether you like them and whether they listen. The money conversation goes better once there is a person on the other side of it. The sugar baby guide covers when and how to raise it.
This also buys you safety information. A generous person who is honest about what they can offer tells you before a second date. A person who dodges the question, or keeps changing their answer, has told you what you need to know.
Do not drink to calm your nerves
Drinking does two things: it fogs your judgment and it slows your reaction time. On a first date with a stranger, both matter. A glass of wine to celebrate a good evening is fine. Three glasses before you know whether the evening will be good at all is not.
Nerves before a first date are normal. If they are strong, cancel and reschedule. There is no time pressure. If you go anyway, sit through the nerves sober. Your instincts are sharper, and if something is off, you will notice faster and be able to leave faster.
Keep sight of your drink, and do not keep drinking one you left unattended 1. Order a fresh one instead.
Do not share personal details early
Your address, your workplace, your family names, the places you go regularly: keep those to yourself until you trust this person 1. A first date is too soon to know.
Use your questions to check the person in front of you instead. Does their story match their profile and messages? Do they ask about your interests, or keep steering back to your suburb, your job and your routine? Someone who wants to know you asks what you like. Someone mapping you asks where you live.
If they press, deflect lightly:
I keep that for people I've known a bit longer. Tell me about your trip instead.
The guide for attractive members has more on what to keep private and for how long.
Do not stay past the time you set
Before the date, decide when you will leave. Thirty minutes, two hours, whatever feels right. Stick to it.
As the evening goes on, especially if things are going well, it is easy to forget you had a plan. Staying late can mean drinking more, sharing more, and being more tired and less careful than you meant to be. The other person also learns that your boundary does not matter. If you say you have to leave at nine and you stay until eleven, next time they will believe you even less.
Tell your date the time at the start, so leaving is no surprise. When it comes, say it plainly and go. You do not owe anyone an extended evening because they bought your dinner 1.
I've had a lovely time. I said I'd head off at nine, so I'm going to get going. Let's do this again.
If you want to see them again, that line leaves the door open. If you do not, it still ends the evening cleanly, and your own transport is already booked.
Sources
- Sexual Assault Resource Centre, North Metropolitan Health Service (Government of Western Australia) (2021). Safe online dating.
