How romance scammers build trust before they ask for money

Scammers groom you first: weeks of attention, declarations of love, and small tests before the first money request, so it feels like helping someone you know.

5 minute readUpdated 2026-09-30

Scammers groom you first, spending weeks building trust and declaring feelings before asking for anything. They do this in stages, and each stage draws you deeper into the relationship so that when money is finally requested, it feels not like theft but like helping someone you know and care about.

The grooming stage: attention and declarations

Romance scammers spend considerable time building trust before they ask for money. They create fake profiles with stolen photos, reach out with personalised messages, and respond quickly when you reply. They ask questions about you, remember the details you share, and use them later to show they are paying attention. They tell stories that create a sense of connection: the lonely businessman, the military officer stationed overseas, the widowed professional looking for companionship after loss.

Unlike typical first messages on dating sites, theirs arrive carefully crafted. But the key difference comes later: scammers declare feelings fast, sometimes within days. ¹ Based on interviews with romance scam victims, researchers found that criminals groom victims before making any request for money. This early stage of the scam is long and attentive: the purpose is to make you believe they are genuine before the next stage begins.

They also create pressure to move the conversation off the dating platform. They ask you to message them on WhatsApp or WeChat instead. ² This move isolates you from the platform's safety systems and moves you into private communication where there is no record of the conversation with others you trust.

The testing stage: small requests before the big ask

Before asking for significant money, scammers make small requests to test your willingness. They might ask you to help them pay a bill, or to send a small amount for an emergency that has come up. These tests serve two purposes: they show the scammer that you will send money, and they soften you up for larger requests later. Each small success makes you more likely to say yes to the next one.

¹ Research on the stages scammers use shows that they keep victims engaged through a 'near-win' effect. This is when the scammer creates a scenario where you believe you are close to getting something valuable in return, only to have it slip away at the last moment. This keeps you invested in the relationship, hoping the next investment will be the one that pays off.

Why people with romantic ideals get caught

You might wonder why intelligent people fall for these scams. Part of the answer is how romance works in your mind. ³ A study comparing people who dated online with people who had been scammed found that people who scored high on romantic idealisation were more likely to become victims. This does not mean you are naive or foolish if you believe in romantic love. It means that if you hold strong beliefs about romance, fate and serendipity, you are more vulnerable to scammers who exploit those beliefs.

Scammers know this. They tell you that meeting them was meant to happen, that it was fate, that you are their soulmate. They make every coincidence feel significant. They use the language of destiny, of being made for each other. And if you have ever believed in romantic fate, these ideas will resonate with you in ways they would not with someone who is more sceptical.

The financial request and beyond

The first money request usually comes with a story that pulls on your emotions. The request feels urgent and personal. Common stories include:

Stranded abroad and needing plane fare home
A family member is sick and needs medical treatment
A business opportunity has come up and they need capital to invest
A visa fee or travel document needs to be paid immediately

What happens next varies, but the pattern continues. ² Scammers request money, sometimes after a long time building the relationship, and requests can include money for emergencies, plane tickets, visa fees, or investment schemes involving cryptocurrency. Once you have sent money, the requests often do not stop. The scammer may create new crises that require more money, or promise that the next payment will unlock a return on an investment.

This is where the near-win effect becomes powerful. You have already sent money: if you send more, perhaps the investment will mature, or the emergency will resolve. Each new request feels like the last one before payoff. Many people who are scammed end up losing far more than the initial request because they keep hoping the next payment will be the turning point.

The one rule that stops it

There is one rule that protects you from romance scams, and it works regardless of how skilled the scammer is or how real the relationship feels. ² The advice from scam prevention authorities is clear: never send money to someone you have not met in person. This rule has no exceptions, regardless of how long you have spoken to them, how many times they have declared their love, or how urgent the request sounds.

I care about you, but I need to know I can trust you in person before I send money.

Make this decision now, before you meet anyone on a dating site, before you feel the pull of connection and romance. Decide that anybody who cannot meet you in person does not get money, no matter what story they tell or how real the relationship feels. Write it down if you need to. Tell a trusted friend. If someone is unwilling to meet you in person, that itself is the information you need.

If you are looking for a real arrangement

On Dateable, real members are verified through video. That verification shows they match their photos. It is not a guarantee of character, but it means the person you are meeting exists and looks like who they say they are. Everyone is meeting someone they have chosen to be there.

When you talk about expectations, you are also protecting yourself. Scammers tend to avoid detailed conversations about what you both want, because details expose the lie. Real people in real arrangements know what they are looking for and can describe it. If someone avoids the conversation or keeps changing the subject, that is a warning sign.

You can also spot a scam by looking for the patterns described here: the quick declarations of love, the pressure to move off-platform, the stories about why they cannot meet. And if you decide to pursue sugar dating safely, the foundation is the same: meet in person, be clear about what you want, and never send money to someone you have not met face-to-face.