DateableHow to cope after a romance scam
Expect shame and grief as well as money worry. Tell one person, finish the practical steps, and get support if it lingers.
Romance scams hit you with shame and grief as well as money worry. You cope by telling one person, handling the practical steps, and getting professional support if the hurt lingers.
Your distress is real, even if the money is not
A UK study of romance scam victims found they suffered significant distress as well as financial loss, and that people fooled by a scammer reported distress even when they lost no money 1. The person you fell for was invented, but your feelings were not. You built a connection with someone who was real enough in your head, made plans, felt hopeful, and then found out they were pretending the whole time. That is a loss, and it matters.
You may feel shame for not seeing it coming, especially after learning what you should have noticed. That shame is common, but it is not fair to yourself: scammers are practiced at this, and they chose you because you were willing to open up and trust. They built a relationship slowly, they said things that made you feel seen, and they timed their requests carefully. They were working from a script, not falling for you.
That does not make what happened your fault. It makes you human. People on dating apps are people looking for connection. Scammers know this and exploit it. The fact that you trusted means you were doing what you were supposed to be doing.
Tell one person
The first step out is talking to someone you trust. Pick one person who will listen without judgment. You do not have to tell the whole family or your colleagues, just the person who will help you think clearly.
I have something difficult to tell you. I was in an online relationship that turned out to be a scam. I need to talk about it, and I need your help.
That person can help you with the practical steps and remind you that you are not the first person this happened to.
Finish the practical steps
Handling the practical side gives you back a sense of control. Do these things in order.
- Contact your bank straight away. Tell them you sent money to a scammer. Give the dates and amounts. Ask them to stop any payment still pending and whether a transfer can be recalled. Scamwatch's advice is to call the bank straight away 2.
- Gather evidence. Screenshot all messages, the profile photos, the fake name and location. Save them in one folder on your phone or computer with dates. Do this while the profile still exists: scammers often delete them once they move on.
- Block the person. On the platform, use the block button on the profile or in messages. Do not try to confront them or ask why they did it. Blocking closes the door.
- Report to the platform. Use the report button and tell them it was a romance scam. Attach your screenshots if you can. These reports help the platform remove the fake profile and find other scammers using the same photos or pattern.
- Report to Scamwatch. Go to scamwatch.gov.au and file a report. If the threat or loss is serious, report it to police as well.
- Call IDCARE if you handed over identity details. IDCARE on 1800 595 160 helps with identity recovery: passport or licence photos, bank logins, anything a scammer could reuse 2.
These steps do not feel urgent, but they are. Start today, even if you just open the bank's website or take the screenshots. Finishing them clears the way for the emotional side.
Stay away from recovery scams
After a scam, watch for a second approach. Someone (possibly the same scammer under a new name) may reach out claiming they can recover your money for a fee or a cut of what they recover. They will use a different name, say they work for a recovery service, and sound official. These recovery scammers are betting that shame and loss will override your judgment. They are right that you want the money back. They are wrong to ask you to pay for it.
You will not recover money this way. Anyone promising recovery in exchange for payment, cryptocurrency, or personal details like passwords is scamming you again. They will take whatever you send them and disappear. Work only with your bank, the police and services you contacted yourself, never with people who contact you.
If someone reaches out offering to help, do not engage. Block them. They are not helping.
Get support if you need it
Shame and grief do not run on a schedule. A few people move forward in a week. Others need a few months. Both are normal. If the hurt is still sharp after two or three weeks, or if it keeps you from your routine, talk to someone trained to help. You are dealing with a real emotional injury, and it deserves real care.
Beyond Blue answers calls 24 hours a day at 1300 22 4636, and you do not need to have a diagnosis to call: you can ring if you are having a bad day or feeling overwhelmed. 3 Lifeline is also there 24 hours on 13 11 14 if you are in distress or having thoughts of harming yourself. 4 Beyond Blue also runs a 24-hour webchat if talking out loud feels like too much 3.
A counsellor can help you work through why this happened, what you might have done differently, and how to move forward without losing your ability to hope. That last one matters: dating apps are for people brave enough to open up and want connection. A scammer used that bravery against you, and that does not mean you should stop being brave.
If you are dealing with financial harm, check what to do if something goes wrong for steps beyond reporting. If the scam started on Dateable, report the profile: a report reaches a person. The help pages cover the rest of your account.
When you are ready to date again, keep one rule from this: no money, gifts or fees to anyone you have not met in person 2. It lets you open up again without leaving the door open to the same trick.
Sources
- Buchanan, T., & Whitty, M. T. (2013). The online dating romance scam: causes and consequences of victimhood.
- Scamwatch (ACCC) (2026). Relationship scams.
- Beyond Blue (2026). Talk to a counsellor.
- Lifeline Australia (2026). Lifeline Australia.
