DateableWhat to say when a match keeps putting off meeting
If they keep making excuses not to meet, give them one clear deadline. Most delays are life. A pattern is a sign.
If a match keeps putting off meeting, name a date and let their answer tell you what you need to know. Most people hit one delay in life. A pattern of delays is a sign that something is wrong, and you should say so plainly.
Why they might be putting it off
Real life happens. Someone's parent gets sick. A work deadline hits. A childcare plan falls apart. One delay or even two means nothing. The thing to notice is the pattern: does this person offer to reschedule, or do they offer an excuse and change the subject?
But some people put off meeting because they have something to hide. They may not be single. They may not match their photos. They may not be who they say they are. And some are running a scam. The excuses the FTC hears most often come from people who claim to work on a faraway military base or an offshore oil rig, places where they cannot meet you and have limited contact 1. Those excuses are red flags.
If you are chatting with someone who keeps making excuses not to meet, ask them directly. Do not wait for another reason. Do not give them another chance to change the subject.
The first delay: a script
At some point in the conversation, once you think a first date would make sense, name one:
I'm enjoying chatting with you. I'd like to meet before we go any further. Are you free for coffee next week?
That sentence works because it tells them you are interested, it is clear about what you want, and it gives them a simple yes or no. If they say yes, you have a date. If they say no and offer to reschedule, take the new date at face value once and plan it. If they say no and offer an excuse without rescheduling, you have your answer.
A second delay: when to walk away
One delay is life. If they miss the first date or ask for a second one, give them one more chance. Reschedule once. But if they miss the second date, or if they ask for a third reschedule, stop. The pattern is clear. Tell them:
I think you are a good person, but the timing is not working for us. I'm looking for someone who can meet me soon. I wish you well.
That ends it without anger or blame. You are not accusing them of anything. You are simply saying that what you want and what they can give you do not match, and that is true.
Excuses to listen for
Some excuses are common lies. If someone tells you they cannot meet because of any of these, end the chat:
- They work overseas, on a military base or an oil rig, or somewhere else remote that keeps them from visiting 1.
- They need money from you to pay for a plane ticket, visa, or hotel so they can come and meet you. Never offer to pay their way to you 2.
- A tragedy just struck: a parent is sick, or they need emergency surgery, or their company is collapsing. These stories come before they have asked for money, and they prime you to say yes when they do 3.
In the meantime: ask for a video call
While you are waiting for a first date, ask them to video chat. A real person who matches their photos can do this. A scammer cannot. A fake account cannot. If they refuse or have excuse after excuse, you have found a scammer. If they agree, at least you know the person you are talking to looks roughly like their photos.
A scammer will tell you they do not have a working camera, or the app will not let them video chat, or they will ask to move the conversation somewhere private. Do not believe it. Stop talking to them and report the profile.
If you missed the warning signs
If you have already sent money to someone who kept putting off meeting, stop sending it now and contact your bank. If you sent a gift card or money through a payment app, tell the service straight away. The longer you wait the less chance they have to freeze the account.
Do not try to get the money back by sending more. Scammers who have already taken money from you will come back and ask for more, sometimes pretending they can help you recover what you have lost. They cannot. Block them and report the profile to the app.
If you think you have been scammed, spot the signs of a scam and plan a first date safely when you are ready to try again. If you are meeting someone from the internet for the first time, follow first-date safety so you stay in control.
Sources
- Fletcher, E. (Federal Trade Commission) (2023). Romance scammers' favorite lies exposed.
- New Zealand Police (2021). Don't let a love scam break your heart.
- Get Cyber Safe (Government of Canada) (2021). Online dating cyber security: Three ways to stay protected.
