DateableWhat to say when your date drinks too much
Slow it down once, then end the date. You're not responsible for getting them home, and a drunk person cannot consent to anything.
If your date is drinking too much, slow it down once and then call the date to an end. You are not responsible for getting them home, you did not cause them to drink, and a person who is drunk cannot agree to anything that follows.
The one conversation
A first date is not the time to manage someone else's drinking. The moment you notice they are drinking faster than you or ordering doubles, say something once. Pick a moment when you are both sitting down and they are not in the middle of a drink:
I think we should slow down a bit. Can I get you some water?
If they order another drink anyway, keep your own pace and do not finish your drink with them. If they are already noticeably drunk when you arrive, or if they get drunk after you have asked them to slow down, do not keep waiting. You do not owe them another hour or another round. Move to the exit:
I think I'll call it a night. Let's get you a taxi.
That is the conversation. You do not need to give a reason beyond "I'm going to head out" or "I need to leave". If they push back, ask them again to get a taxi. If they push a third time, walk away. If they are unsteady on their feet or slurring, ask venue staff for help before you leave them. Venues expect this. They know how to call a taxi and keep someone safe until it arrives.
What you might try if they agree to slow down
If they accept water or food, you can stay a while longer and see whether they level out. Offer something concrete so they have a reason to stop drinking for a bit:
- "Can we order some food? I'm hungry."
- "Let's grab some water and sit for a bit."
- "Can I get you a coffee or some food to eat?"
- "I'd like to move tables and get some air. Come with me."
Eat something yourself. It keeps the focus off their drinking and makes it easier for them to order something too. Pace your own drinking: if they order a second round, you stay on water or the same drink. You control the story this way. You get to see them at their worst, sober, and make a choice about whether to see them again.
If they soften their pace and settle down, you can stay longer. If they order again immediately, or if they refuse water and food, the date ends. You have given them one chance. Do not give a second.
If they want to change plans
Some people get more confident or tactile when drunk. Alcohol lowers inhibition, not your boundary. If they suddenly want to go elsewhere, or to your place, or to theirs: no. Decline once, clearly:
I'm happy where we are. If you want to change venue, let's talk about it another time when we're both clear.
Do not apologise for it. You do not need their agreement. If they keep asking or get annoyed, that is also information: they do not respect a no when they have been drinking. That is the date. You can leave.
If they push back a second time, end the date and take your own transport home. Do not let guilt or awkwardness keep you there. You said no. That was enough.
You are not responsible for them
You did not pour the drinks. You did not make them order more. You are a person on a first date, not a carer or a parent. The moment they are too drunk, the date is over. That is their responsibility, not yours.
Do not feel bad about leaving. Do not think "they might be embarrassed" or "they might have a worse evening if I go". That is their choice and their consequence. Your job is to keep yourself safe, not to manage their shame.
Take your own transport to the date so you control when you leave 1. If you drove, leave when you want. If you took a taxi or rideshare, use the same to leave. Do not let them convince you to wait while they find a ride, or to share one with them to drop them home. Once you have left, the evening is done. You do not owe them a follow-up message or a check-in later. They are an adult who chose to drink.
Why this matters
Consent requires a person who is awake, alert and able to make a choice. Alcohol impairs judgment and decision-making. [A person who is too drunk to choose or refuse sex cannot consent to it.2 The law is clear: if someone is that intoxicated, sex is not okay, and you are not obligated to stay to find out whether it becomes okay later.
Your job on a first date is to see whether you like each other, not to manage their body or their choices. If they choose to get drunk on a first date, that tells you something about them. It is not a puzzle to solve or a problem you caused. It is information. Use it.
Ask for help if you need it
If they are stumbling or you cannot understand them, tell venue staff. Say "My date is very drunk and I need help getting them a taxi." Staff at restaurants and bars know this situation. They can call a taxi, keep your date safe while you leave, and make sure they get home.
You can also read the guide on first-date safety for a full checklist before you go out. Set clear boundaries before any date, so you know in advance when you are ready to leave. And if you ever need to talk through what happened, the safety archive holds more resources.
Sources
- Sexual Assault Resource Centre, North Metropolitan Health Service (Government of Western Australia) (2021). Safe online dating.
- Healthdirect Australia (2023). Sexual assault and rape.
