DateableMyth: if you were drinking, an assault was partly your fault
It is never the fault of the person assaulted, whatever they drank, wore or agreed to earlier. The law is clear.
It is not your fault. Not if you were drinking, not if you wore something particular, not if you said yes to something else earlier. Sexual assault is never the fault of the person assaulted. This is not opinion: NSW law says so directly.
What the law says about consent and alcohol
Consent is knowingly and freely agreeing to sex or sexual activity. 1 But consent cannot exist if one person is impaired. In New South Wales, "a person cannot consent if they are so intoxicated they cannot choose or refuse". 2
This is important: if someone is drunk, they have not freely agreed to anything. The other person does not get credit for their "choice" because the choice does not exist.
Intoxication and the person who initiates
If you initiated the flirting or kissing, or if you suggested going somewhere private, that does not override what happened next. You do not forfeit the right to say no later. You can withdraw consent at any time, even after sexual activity has started, and you are believed. 1
This is where the myth causes real harm. People tell themselves: "They seemed keen, so I kept going." But seeming keen is not the same as saying yes, and it is not the same as still saying yes twenty minutes later. If you were not checking in with the other person, you were not getting consent.
If you were drinking when you initiated but stopped wanting to continue later, that change of mind is valid. The other person must stop. Consent is not a password you say once and then the other person has access to you forever. Consent is ongoing. You have to keep it, every time.
What you wore, where you were, what you agreed to before
People sometimes tell assault survivors: "You put yourself in that situation." As if standing in the wrong place, wearing the wrong thing, or dating the wrong person causes assault. It does not.
Sexual assault is not something that happens to you as a consequence of choices you made badly. It is something someone does to you. There is a person on the other side of that interaction who chose to ignore your refusal, your hesitation, or your silence.
Why the myth persists
Some people blame the person who was assaulted because it is uncomfortable to see assault as something someone chooses. Blaming a person for their own assault lets other people tell themselves it cannot happen to them: "I would never put myself in that situation." It is a reassuring lie.
It is also a way to avoid something harder: the fact that assault happens inside relationships, on dates, and in situations that seemed safe. It happens to people who were careful, who trusted someone, who said no and were not heard. If it can happen to them, it can happen to anyone. That uncertainty is what the blame tries to cover.
The law does not care why you were not careful
If you are assaulted, you do not have to prove you were perfect that night. The law does not ask whether you drank, what you wore, where you went or what you said you wanted five minutes before. 3 You do not have to have been saying no the whole time. One refusal is enough.
Your job is to decide who you trust and what you want. Once you do, the other person's job is to listen.
If you are not sure whether what happened was assault
You might be wondering whether you have the right to call it assault. You do. If someone did something to you sexually without your clear agreement, it is assault. If they kept going after you said no or showed hesitation, it is assault. If you were too drunk to object but they went ahead anyway, it is assault.
Uncertainty is common. People often replay the night asking: could I have said no louder? Did I freeze? Did I make my boundaries clear enough? These questions assume you should have protected yourself better. That is backwards. The other person's job is to get agreement, not to wait for you to lodge a strong enough complaint.
I don't think I'm OK with what happened. I need someone to talk to.
Saying this to someone you trust is the first step. You do not need to report it to the police, make a complaint to the dating app, or do anything else that feels too hard right now. You do need to tell someone, and you do need support.
Getting help
If something goes wrong on a date or through online dating, you can report it to Dateable immediately. But that is not the same as support. Getting support comes first.
If you are in Australia, these services are 24 hours:
- 1800RESPECT: call 1800 737 732 or text 0458 737 732 for sexual assault support and counselling. 1
- A sexual assault service at your nearest hospital. They can help you store evidence and talk through what happened.
- Beyond Blue: call 1300 22 4636 if you need to talk to someone but are not ready to report.
You can also set clear boundaries before a date and read about boundaries inside arrangements so you know what to do if someone pushes past them later.
Sources
- Healthdirect Australia (2023). Sexual assault and rape.
- NSW Communities and Justice (2022). Affirmative consent becomes law in NSW.
- eSafety Commissioner (2026). Online dating | How to stay safe.
