DateableWhat not to tell a match until you trust them
Keep your home address, workplace, surname, date of birth and regular places private until you have met several times.
Keep your home address, workplace, surname, date of birth, family names and regular places private until you have met several times. Small details add up fast: someone with your full name, workplace and which café you visit on Tuesday mornings can find you in person even if you have never met.
How a stranger becomes a problem
Online, anyone can claim anything. They do not need to be who they say they are. The person you have been messaging for a month might not exist, or might be someone with intentions you cannot see from a chat window.
Once you give someone your real name and a place you frequent, they can find your home address, your work phone, your social media and the people you know. That is not paranoia: it is how the internet works. [Research from the Australian Institute of Criminology found that people who shared more personal information online were more likely to experience dating app facilitated sexual violence.1
The details that matter
- Your surname. Combined with other facts, it narrows down who you are. Keep it until you have met at least twice.
- Your home address or suburb. Never give it until you have met several times and trust them.
- Your date of birth. With your name and address, it is enough to apply for credit in your name.
- Your workplace or employer. Even a job title and industry is enough for someone to find where you work.
- Places you go regularly. The gym you visit, the coffee shop you work from, the park you run in. Habits are predictable.
- Family names. If your date knows your surname and your sister's name, they can find her on social media and learn where she lives.
How to answer without lying
You do not have to tell the truth to someone who has not earned your trust. Being evasive is not the same as lying. You can answer honestly without giving away the information they are fishing for.
When they ask what you do for work, you can say: 'I work in finance' or 'I'm in education' or 'Healthcare' without naming your employer. When they ask where you live, you can name the suburb or a nearby one, or say 'North side' or 'inner city'. When they ask your surname: 'I'll tell you when we meet.' These are honest answers that do not hand over the keys to finding you.
What's your last name? I'll tell you when we meet in person. I'm not big on sharing personal details with people I haven't met yet.
Anyone who pushes back on that boundary is telling you something useful about who they are. Someone genuinely interested in meeting you will accept 'I'd rather wait' without complaint. Someone who keeps asking or expresses frustration has shown you they want information more than they want to know you.
Why some scammers ask for personal details
Not everyone asking for your surname or home suburb is dangerous. Some are just making conversation. But scammers often start by collecting small details, then asking for more. They are building a profile that lets them either find you in person, pretend to be you online, or extract larger information later.
A detail about where you work plus your full name can be used to search for your employer's directory and find your work phone. Your date of birth plus your address can be used to apply for credit cards or loans in your name. Someone building a scam does not need all the details at once; they gather them over weeks of chatting, slowly lowering your guard.
Things a person genuinely interested in you will never need
Someone who wants to meet you does not need your home address. They need a place and a time. Before a first date, [keep your address, date of birth, workplace, family names and regular places private until you trust them.2 Your surname, work address and which gym you attend are not prerequisites for a coffee date: they are facts for after you have met several times.
Requests for intimate photos, banking details or government ID documents are different again. A person you have never met has no reason to need any of those, ever. If someone asks: they are testing whether you will give up information to someone who has not earned your trust. The answer is no. This is not caution: it is sense.
If a conversation turns toward requesting any of these, stop chatting. If someone is persistent about knowing where you live before you have met, or keeps circling back to your last name, or asks for photos in a way that feels off: that is a sign to end contact. The person you eventually meet and trust will not have needed to extract information from you when you were not comfortable sharing it.
Before you meet
Before a first date, [keep your surname, home address and workplace to yourself until you trust the person.3 A few things do matter:
- Video chat if you can. It narrows down whether they match their photos.
- Ask them questions and listen to the answers. Scammers have trouble keeping stories straight.
- Tell someone you trust where you are going and when you expect to be home.
Small details are a door
A person who does not yet know you feels like a stranger, because they are. The details you share unlock doors: your full name and workplace unlock your location, your date of birth and address unlock access to credit in your name, your regular places unlock your routine. Sharing a little feels safe because there is nothing dangerous in any single detail. But a stranger with six details about you can find you anywhere you go.
Keep those doors closed until you have met someone several times and decided they are trustworthy. See privacy guidelines and first date safety for more protection strategies, and read our privacy primer on keeping information safe.
Sources
- Wolbers, H., & Dowling, C. (Australian Institute of Criminology) (2024). Routine online activities and vulnerability to dating app facilitated sexual violence.
- Sexual Assault Resource Centre, North Metropolitan Health Service (Government of Western Australia) (2021). Safe online dating.
- New Zealand Police (2026). Safety advice.
